Essay Questions, part 2

Hey gang! Here's the second half of those essay questions that I finally finished.

What do you think is key in your relationship?

Gratitude. We show appreciation for each other all the time. If Aaron does something for me, I'll say, "Thank you so much!" This goes for the tiniest things, like him pouring a glass of water for me if I mention I'm thirsty. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference, I think. It has a lot to do with never getting "used" to someone and building up expectations. I will never expect Aaron to do little things for me like pour those glasses of water, but I think it is super-sweet and thoughtful when he does.

How do you maintain a polyamorous relationship?

Good communication, consideration, and love. Being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others.

What are some of the communication tools you use within the relationship?

I mentioned using "I feel" statements. I also hug a lot, if I'm not terribly upset/angry. Body language is super-important, and in my ideal communication situation, I am hugging Aaron as I say, "I feel..." Again, if I'm too upset or angry then I frequently don't like physical contact until the issue is almost settled. I'm not perfect at this communication thing, but I know how I want it to be done. Someday I hope to be so emotionally stable that there won't be any "When I'm too upset" situations.

How do you maintain the "flame" between you two?

Dating other people has helped, I think. Aaron and I see each other everyday, so there has always been that element of "getting used" to each other. It's to be expected, I guess. After I come back from a good date with someone, I see Aaron, and it's frequently as though I'm seeing him in a new light. When I date other people, I'm taking myself out of my comfort mode. I think it's great to flip one's life upside-down in that way...it's a rush. In the beginning, that rush would continue long after I came home from a date. Now that rush seems to always be with me to an extent. I see Aaron, and find myself wanting to surprise him in all sorts of way. I feel sexy and confident, and I want to be with my sexy, confident boyfriend.

What are some of the harder situations you've been into within the relationship and how did you deal with it?

There was a guy I was dating shortly after Aaron and I became polyamorous who didn't treat me well, and wording it that way is being generous. Aaron wanted me to stop dating the guy, but I felt like this other guy could be wonderful if I just tried a little harder to be what he was looking for. It was horrible, and it went on for months before I finally gained the nerve, and desire, to break it off. That was 3 years ago. It was easily the hardest thing Aaron and I have ever dealt with, and while I can't speak for Aaron, I know that I am still dealing with it to this day. All I can do to try to move on is analyze why I acted the way I did, and learn from it. And I have Aaron to provide all the emotional support I could ever want.

What are some of the good things about being in an open relationship?

I really enjoy being available in the dating world. Something about that makes me feel confident and attractive.

I also like that I'll never feel as though Aaron and I are together because of some unspoken rule. We stay together not because we feel trapped in this relationship, but because it simply feels unnatural to be apart.

In addition, living life this way has brought Aaron and I so much closer together. The necessity for total communication has taught us so much about ourselves and each other that I consider going polyamorous to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This lifestyle has pushed me -- and still challenges me -- to be the best version of myself, and I'm very proud of that.

Essay Questions, Part 1

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in ages...I've been busy with my two jobs. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all, though; a friend of Aaron's asked that we answer some questions for a college project she's doing on polyamory. Here are some of the questions, and my responses.

What were some of the steps you had to take to have a successful, open relationship?

One step we had to take was improving our communication. We'd always been good at talking to each other about how we felt, but now that we are seeing other people, it's really important that we don't hold things back. It's hard sometimes. For example, it's a little weird for me when I am upset about something going on with someone I'm dating and I need to talk to Aaron about it. But as soon as we start talking, the weirdness is gone and it's just me venting to my best friend.

Another important thing we both had to accept is that eventually our other significant others will break up with us. For example, if I am dating another man and he is not polyamorous, I have to be prepared for the day when he meets the person with whom he wants to be monogamous. After all, I can't offer monogamy; I'm committed to Aaron. But I believe that everyone deserves to have someone just for him/her at some point in life...it's a very big deal to know that you are the only person that someone wants to be with. The major thing for Aaron and I to accept is that the happy experience of that temporary relationship is completely worth the rejection that comes later. Aaron handles this far better than I do. It's still a work in progress for me, but the person I want to be is a carefree lady who lives in the moment.

How do you feel when your other dates someone else?

I feel happy for him. I know exactly how exciting it is to start a new relationship, and I want Aaron to experience that. When he does, I'm thrilled. Honestly, it can bring about a little jealousy at times, but it's usually nothing major. And when both of us are seeing other people, the jealousy is gone entirely.

What if it's someone you don't really approve of?

We deal. There have been times where a girl has hurt Aaron, and I feel a little anger towards her and wish he'd stop seeing her. But that's as far as it goes, really -- I'll tell him how I feel about it, and whatever he does after that is his decision entirely. I accept his choices -- sometimes grudgingly. But I accept them.

What are some ways that you deal with jealousy?

The way I deal with jealousy is to talk about it. I'll say to Aaron, "I'm kinda feeling a little jealous." It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think Aaron takes it as his cue to explain to me why he wants to spend his life with me. All I need is a little reassurance sometimes, and he's wonderful about providing that.

What do you do to handle tense or frustrating moments?

We talk about the issue. I'll explain why I'm upset as calmly as I can. I like to use "I feel" statements a lot because placing blame isn't really the best way to solve anything: "I feel like you don't really understand what it's like for me" or "I feel like you could be a little clearer about this." It doesn't always work out, and I'm not always calm. Sometimes I'm so upset that I have to leave the issue for a little while so that I can cool down. Later, I'm ready to approach the issue.

Aaron and I aren't the kind of people that let things fester. We absolutely hate being upset with each other and will frequently feel a little nauseous in those situations. I'll say that in 99% of disagreements, we talk about everything and fix the issue within a couple of hours.

Gift-Buying: Not a Substitute for "I'm Sorry"

There are a lot (and I mean a LOT) of people (guys AND girls) out there who opt for gift-purchasing in lieu of saying "I'm sorry" to the person they've wronged. It's fantastic for flower shops and jewelry store owners, but not so great for the person who was hurt. Why?

Well...I can tell you that when somebody has hurt me, I feel as though part of me has been stripped away. That may sound dramatic, but it's true. I feel like less of a person because the one who upset me doesn't respect me as much as I thought he/she did -- or at least it seems this way. Everyone's experienced this at some point, and it sucks.

You may be wondering: What's wrong with buying someone a present if you feel bad for hurting him/her? Answer: Nothing, as long as you give him/her a genuine apology along with that bouquet/watch/chocolate. To give someone a gift instead of apologizing is almost like saying, "Here, eat the chocolates and get over it."

The words 'I'm sorry' are hard to speak. I know it. You know it. To openly apologize to someone is the equivalent of saying, "I am not as smart as I thought I was. Sometimes I'm stupid, and this was one of those times." It puts you at the mercy of the person you upset, and that feeling of humility is one we'd rather avoid. Humility is a good thing, though, and keeps us grounded. It's important to be knocked onto our butts sometimes...through these experiences, we can learn to be more compassionate towards others.

But let's get to the other side of the situation: the person you upset is feeling far crappier than you are. And right now what they need is for you to say, "I understand why you are hurt. I didn't realize how you felt about the issue and I should have been more sensitive. It was wrong of me to act the way I did. I am so sorry, and I promise it won't happen again." You can paraphrase it however you want, but make sure that last part is in there -- I promise it won't happen again. It is very irritating and hurtful when someone says "I'm sorry" and then goes on to repeat the same mistake over and over again. Kinda makes apologies worthless, yeah? Saying you're sorry implies that you intend to never hurt him/her that way again. So, don't hurt them that way again. 'Kay?

Still feeling gross about the prospect of apologizing? You're afraid of looking stupid, right? I can understand that. But let me tell you something: the person you apologize to won't think you're stupid at all. In fact, he/she will respect you more. Sounds made-up, but I'm telling it straight. It takes a strong person to admit his/her own faults, and I guarantee that the person you apologize to will see that strength. So go on. Be strong...say "I suck!"

Why Women Dread Dating

One thing I've noticed in the past couple of months is my lack of enthusiasm for dating. I was very surprised when I first realized my true feelings about it, because I frequently talk to friends about how much fun it can be. So why the change of heart?

After a recent date, I now have the answer: the thought of dating exhausts me because the dates themselves frequently feel forced.

I have lost count of the dates I've gone on where the guy starts whipping out his tricks. "Tricks, Jade?" Yes, reader...tricks. See below:

-"Are you cold?" Granted, you may be truly concerned about my comfort, but usually? You just want an excuse to put your arms around me. I'd rather just shiver for a bit than prematurely launch into the touching stage. Go away.

-"Would you like a massage?" Maybe it's because I'm a massage therapist that this offer isn't quite so awesome as it could be. I view massage as a true body maintenance method, and it bothers me to see it reduced to a technique for getting your hands on me during a first or second date. If you're going to massage me, I want to know that it's got a lot more do with making me feel better, and lot less to do with your penis. And no, your penis will not make me feel better. Go away.

-"Let me walk you to your car. ...No, I insist." No, I insist that you don't. Why? Because I know you'll probably be expecting something from me before I get into my car, sweet and kind though it was of you to ensure my safety to this point. I will say 'goodnight' and 'thanks for the date' over and over again, but you will continue to stand there, like a Labrador eagerly waiting for its owner to throw the frisbee again. And quit giving me that come-over-here look, as though we're both in on some big secret. Yes, I know what you're after. But guess what? I know exactly what I want, too, and that is to drive home -- right now. Go away.

The common theme is that feeling of being rushed. I used to shrug my shoulders and go along with it, sadly, but in the past year, I've reevaluated how I live my life. I am now a firm believer that all things worth having in this life are worth working and waiting for. So why should physical intimacy with someone be any different? I am a lady who takes a while to warm up to people, not unlike a cat. I'll smile, chat, laugh, etc., but I respect peoples' personal space, and I like them to do the same for me. Hugging is something I prefer to reserve for people I'm close to, so my opinions on kissing should go without saying. I like things to take their natural course.

That said, try to remember what it was like when you were an adolescent hanging out with your biggest crush. Neither person made any move for the longest time...and wasn't it unbelievably exciting?? It was completely unpredictable, and completely thrilling. Now that you're older, most of you fellas have forgotten what it can be like. You only know the end result you want -- sex -- and you immediately start trying to make that happen. It does not need to be this way.

In conclusion... Guys, if you're reading this, just take it slow with your dates. Maybe try letting her make the first move. The thought is just crazy -- I know. But give it a shot. After all, it's entirely possible that the reason she hasn't tried to have sex with you yet is because she feels she barely knows you, and isn't ready. When she is ready, she'll let you know. In the meantime, relax, and go with the flow.

The Man I Couldn't Fix

It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.

I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.

Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.

Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.

He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.

I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.

My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.

I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.

About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.

When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.

What's Wrong with Casual Sex?

I heard someone say recently that casual sex should not occur in a polyamorous relationship, but is allowed in an open relationship. Now, the person who made those statements seems to view casual sex as something lacking in feeling, and therefore thinks it unsuitable in a relationship style that is all about love -- polyamory. But is it?

What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.

Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.

But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.

Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Reactions to a Life of Many Loves

Have you you ever been in a situation where you were going through something, and wanted to share it with the whole world?

One of the hardest things about becoming polyamorous for me was telling my friends and family. Truly. I was super-nervous about it. More nervous, in fact, than I was about dating other people. Silly, I know. But I am a very open person; I love sharing my day-to-day stuff with people, and I was hoping to have a bit of support. Everything feels better when you've got friends to back you up, yeah?

As it turned out, I was very surprised by the reactions I got when I told everyone. I'd had predictions about who would act what way. But for the most part? I was completely wrong.

I absolutely thought that my friends would support me. Maybe because we were all in our early 20s, I thought they'd get it. After all, wasn't our generation very open-minded about love and dating? Assumptions, assumptions. Anyway, I guess I was taking it too far with my new lifestyle choice, because the responses I got were, "I just don't think it's right," and "It won't work, it's a bad idea." It was all very upsetting, and I felt a little sick to my stomach to know that my friends thought so negatively of what Aaron and I were doing. My father was none-too-pleased about it, either: "I don't want to hear anything about this!"

But I won't get all doom-and-gloom on you; it wasn't all negative feedback.

My mother, of all people, completely supported my decision. My mother! This was the woman who would cringe and say "Gross!" when she'd see people French kissing in a movie. It was the strangest thing. She said to me, "Well, you know what you want. If it makes you happy, then I say go for it." It meant a great deal to have her behind me on this.

My coworkers were also quite supportive as well. In fact, to this day, they will still say to me, "I am so impressed that you and Aaron are doing this!"

I still occasionally deal with disapproval. My brother has probably had the most difficult time accepting my lifestyle. We're close, so I sometimes forget myself and just start blabbing about dates that Aaron has, or people I'm going to hang out with. When that happens, my brother tends to just get upset. So we drop it, and that's that. I can appreciate that polyamory is unsettling for some.

...That doesn't stop me from messing with Dad, though: "Hey, Dad, I've got a date with a really cute guy this weekend!" Hehe, I'm sick sometimes.