Boundaries + Compromise = Happiness

If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.

Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.

For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.

When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.

So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.

You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.

Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?