Communication in Relationships: A Necessity, Not An Option

I must sound like a broken record by now when I say this, but communication is of the utmost importance in relationships. I tend to believe that none of us are born with this understanding -- that it's a learn-from-your-mistakes kind of deal. Which...*ahem*...means that one of my relationships was ruined due to lousy communication. So this week's blog from me is about one of my screw-ups. Gotta keep myself humble, yeah? Heh, here goes.

Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.

I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.

So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.

He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.

What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.

I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.

See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.

My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P