Is Polyamory Right For You?

What is polyamory, anyway?

Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.

What are you looking for in a relationship?

This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.

The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.

So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.

For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.

So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?

Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!

If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:

I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!

Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.

Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!

The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?

So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.