The Man I Couldn't Fix

It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.

I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.

Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.

Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.

He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.

I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.

My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.

I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.

About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.

When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.