Re: Triad Questions

**This entry is responding to questions from a reader, Chantelle. Sorry this took so long, Chantelle!**

"I am just becoming aware of my bisexual nature... its odd, I don't particularily find women attractive but put into sexual settings I am very aroused by them. A couple friends if mine (A guy and a girl)had been looking for a 3rd for a Triad... When I first met them I thought I was 100% straight but the more I heard their stories and my sisters (she's bi) I felt interested... bi curious. Now I am part of this Triad with my friends and I am completely head over heals for David, and I love Sarah to death but I just don't feel the same for her as I do him, and I am first off wondering if this is because this is new to me (being with a woman) and I just don't get it the same way, is it normal to feel more for one member than another, or does this spell out future doom for us? Your thoughts are appreciated." -Chantelle


Chantelle,

It is possible for there to be inequality in a triad relationship. This can come in the form of being more attracted to one person than the other, being more committed to one than the other, or any number of things I'm not thinking of. It doesn't necessarily "spell doom."

I'll start with your confusion about Sarah, since you seem to be struggling to figure out your sexuality. First of all, if you are not sexually attracted to Sarah, it could just mean that she isn't your type. It doesn't necessarily mean you're "straight." You were asking me, however, if your confusion stems from being new to the world of woman/woman relationships. My answer is that I don't think that's something you need to worry about, because when you get involved with someone you care about and are attracted to -- man or woman -- you will notice that it feels right on a very instinctual level. You might have society (family, friends, coworkers, etc..) questioning your relationship and sexuality, causing you to second-guess yourself, but if we took all that crap away, there would just be you, the person you're involved with, and that feeling of rightness.

You mentioned that you're not really attracted to women except in a sexual setting. I can understand this to a certain degree because I tend to view the feminine form as more sensual and beautiful than the male form. It's interesting to me that you aren't normally attracted to women in other, everyday situations, but I'm no expert on sexuality. I'll tell you what, though...I don't believe sexuality is a black and white concept.

Everyone is different. People just adore labeling things -- especially other people. We want to know if someone's political views are "left or right," for example, as though there couldn't possibly be any views that fall somewhere in the middle. It's a bit ridiculous, really. And the same thing happens with sexual orientation: are we straight, bisexual or gay? I'm not immune to wanting to label, either. I call myself bisexual, and when I first read your question, my first thought was "she's straight." But then I reread the question a few times, and have now taken the attitude of "Who am I to know?"

There are always gray areas, and we -- myself included -- should try to remember that. To appeal to the geeks out there, a brilliant Jedi named Obi-Wan once said, "Only a Sith thinks in absolutes." Ah-hem...anyway. Only you can understand your sexuality completely. And don't let anyone make you question that or make you feel uncomfortable about it.

Now, onto the other issue here: you are in love with David. You should be prepared for potentially upsetting responses when you talk to David and Sarah about this. And you do need to talk to them. Tell them everything you told me. If the two of them were a committed couple before you came along, then your confession might result in the triad having to end. But maybe not; maybe you and Sarah feel the same way about each other and about David, for example. If that's the case, the three of you could possibly continue the triad with an acceptance that there just isn't equal attraction between you. There are lots of different relationships out there -- as different as the people who are part of them.

The talk with them may be difficult, but complete honesty is necessary in a totally harmonious relationship of any kind. And you'll feel better afterward anyway, because keeping secrets tends to eat away at one's emotional well-being. Tell them everything you're feeling. They will most-likely reciprocate, and from there you three can figure out what kind of future, if any, you want to strive for with the relationship.

Best of luck, Chantelle!