If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.
Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.
For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.
When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.
So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.
You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.
Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Communication in Relationships: A Necessity, Not An Option
I must sound like a broken record by now when I say this, but communication is of the utmost importance in relationships. I tend to believe that none of us are born with this understanding -- that it's a learn-from-your-mistakes kind of deal. Which...*ahem*...means that one of my relationships was ruined due to lousy communication. So this week's blog from me is about one of my screw-ups. Gotta keep myself humble, yeah? Heh, here goes.
Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.
I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.
So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.
He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.
What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.
I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.
See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.
My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P
Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.
I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.
So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.
He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.
What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.
I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.
See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.
My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P
Friday, January 18, 2008
Possessiveness = Bad
As promised in my last blog about jealousy, this next writing is about possessiveness -- its definition, causes, attributes, etc.. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that "possessiveness cannot exist in a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship." Very true. But guess what? It sucks in monogamy, too. Why? Because possessiveness is never a good thing. And the more you know about it, the better chance you have at avoiding relationships with possessive people. So, if you are interested in leading a happy, drama-free love life, read on!
A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..
Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.
There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.
I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.
"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.
A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..
Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.
There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.
I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.
"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Jealousy: The Killjoy
Of all the hurdles I've had to jump since beginning my open relationship with Aaron, jealousy has been the most difficult. Yep, that's right -- I get jealous. It sucks, quite honestly, and I'd rather not feel it ever again. I'd also like to have a million dollars, but for now, let's focus on jealousy. I won't sit here and lie to you... Jealousy does rear its ugly head from time to time in relationships -- polyamorous, monogamous, and anything in between. It's sort of inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. And you can eventually rid it from your system. I swear! (c:
What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?
I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?
It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?
For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.
I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:
Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!
Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:
I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.
In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.
Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.
What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?
I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?
It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?
For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.
I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:
Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!
Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:
I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.
In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.
Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.
Is Polyamory Right For You?
What is polyamory, anyway?
Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.
The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.
So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.
For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.
So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?
Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!
If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:
I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!
Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.
Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!
The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?
So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.
Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.
The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.
So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.
For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.
So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?
Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!
If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:
I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!
Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.
Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!
The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?
So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.
Why I Chose Polyamory
I broached the subject of an open relationship with Aaron three years ago partly because I was antsy. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, and while I loved him very much, I was also becoming scared at the idea that he might be the only person I'd ever know intimately and sexually. Wouldn't I be missing out on important life experiences? In addition, I'd always felt that connecting with people on a very intimate level was my main reason for being alive. Sure, I could have settled for making new friends and becoming very close to them, but like I said before, I was also antsy. So really, it was a combination of the two needs that led me to propose polyamory.
He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)
I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.
Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?
I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.
I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.
You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.
He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)
I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.
Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?
I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.
I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.
You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.
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