Why Women Dread Dating

One thing I've noticed in the past couple of months is my lack of enthusiasm for dating. I was very surprised when I first realized my true feelings about it, because I frequently talk to friends about how much fun it can be. So why the change of heart?

After a recent date, I now have the answer: the thought of dating exhausts me because the dates themselves frequently feel forced.

I have lost count of the dates I've gone on where the guy starts whipping out his tricks. "Tricks, Jade?" Yes, reader...tricks. See below:

-"Are you cold?" Granted, you may be truly concerned about my comfort, but usually? You just want an excuse to put your arms around me. I'd rather just shiver for a bit than prematurely launch into the touching stage. Go away.

-"Would you like a massage?" Maybe it's because I'm a massage therapist that this offer isn't quite so awesome as it could be. I view massage as a true body maintenance method, and it bothers me to see it reduced to a technique for getting your hands on me during a first or second date. If you're going to massage me, I want to know that it's got a lot more do with making me feel better, and lot less to do with your penis. And no, your penis will not make me feel better. Go away.

-"Let me walk you to your car. ...No, I insist." No, I insist that you don't. Why? Because I know you'll probably be expecting something from me before I get into my car, sweet and kind though it was of you to ensure my safety to this point. I will say 'goodnight' and 'thanks for the date' over and over again, but you will continue to stand there, like a Labrador eagerly waiting for its owner to throw the frisbee again. And quit giving me that come-over-here look, as though we're both in on some big secret. Yes, I know what you're after. But guess what? I know exactly what I want, too, and that is to drive home -- right now. Go away.

The common theme is that feeling of being rushed. I used to shrug my shoulders and go along with it, sadly, but in the past year, I've reevaluated how I live my life. I am now a firm believer that all things worth having in this life are worth working and waiting for. So why should physical intimacy with someone be any different? I am a lady who takes a while to warm up to people, not unlike a cat. I'll smile, chat, laugh, etc., but I respect peoples' personal space, and I like them to do the same for me. Hugging is something I prefer to reserve for people I'm close to, so my opinions on kissing should go without saying. I like things to take their natural course.

That said, try to remember what it was like when you were an adolescent hanging out with your biggest crush. Neither person made any move for the longest time...and wasn't it unbelievably exciting?? It was completely unpredictable, and completely thrilling. Now that you're older, most of you fellas have forgotten what it can be like. You only know the end result you want -- sex -- and you immediately start trying to make that happen. It does not need to be this way.

In conclusion... Guys, if you're reading this, just take it slow with your dates. Maybe try letting her make the first move. The thought is just crazy -- I know. But give it a shot. After all, it's entirely possible that the reason she hasn't tried to have sex with you yet is because she feels she barely knows you, and isn't ready. When she is ready, she'll let you know. In the meantime, relax, and go with the flow.

The Man I Couldn't Fix

It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.

I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.

Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.

Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.

He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.

I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.

My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.

I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.

About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.

When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.

What's Wrong with Casual Sex?

I heard someone say recently that casual sex should not occur in a polyamorous relationship, but is allowed in an open relationship. Now, the person who made those statements seems to view casual sex as something lacking in feeling, and therefore thinks it unsuitable in a relationship style that is all about love -- polyamory. But is it?

What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.

Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.

But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.

Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Reactions to a Life of Many Loves

Have you you ever been in a situation where you were going through something, and wanted to share it with the whole world?

One of the hardest things about becoming polyamorous for me was telling my friends and family. Truly. I was super-nervous about it. More nervous, in fact, than I was about dating other people. Silly, I know. But I am a very open person; I love sharing my day-to-day stuff with people, and I was hoping to have a bit of support. Everything feels better when you've got friends to back you up, yeah?

As it turned out, I was very surprised by the reactions I got when I told everyone. I'd had predictions about who would act what way. But for the most part? I was completely wrong.

I absolutely thought that my friends would support me. Maybe because we were all in our early 20s, I thought they'd get it. After all, wasn't our generation very open-minded about love and dating? Assumptions, assumptions. Anyway, I guess I was taking it too far with my new lifestyle choice, because the responses I got were, "I just don't think it's right," and "It won't work, it's a bad idea." It was all very upsetting, and I felt a little sick to my stomach to know that my friends thought so negatively of what Aaron and I were doing. My father was none-too-pleased about it, either: "I don't want to hear anything about this!"

But I won't get all doom-and-gloom on you; it wasn't all negative feedback.

My mother, of all people, completely supported my decision. My mother! This was the woman who would cringe and say "Gross!" when she'd see people French kissing in a movie. It was the strangest thing. She said to me, "Well, you know what you want. If it makes you happy, then I say go for it." It meant a great deal to have her behind me on this.

My coworkers were also quite supportive as well. In fact, to this day, they will still say to me, "I am so impressed that you and Aaron are doing this!"

I still occasionally deal with disapproval. My brother has probably had the most difficult time accepting my lifestyle. We're close, so I sometimes forget myself and just start blabbing about dates that Aaron has, or people I'm going to hang out with. When that happens, my brother tends to just get upset. So we drop it, and that's that. I can appreciate that polyamory is unsettling for some.

...That doesn't stop me from messing with Dad, though: "Hey, Dad, I've got a date with a really cute guy this weekend!" Hehe, I'm sick sometimes.

Forget the Labels, Folks

I've been noticing lately that there are a lot of people who choose to apply very specific definitions to different forms of relationships. And here's what I have to say to them: Don't. Forget the labels.

If there is anything we should have learned about each other these many thousands of years, it is that we are all very different. Unfortunately, we love our labels. For example, we're always making jokes about how women are impossible to understand, or how guys couldn't keep their apartments clean if their lives depended on it. Honestly? Give me a break. I know so many people who don't fit those stereotypes that it's not even funny.

That said, our relationships are just as unique as we are individually. We seem to be aware of that fact to a certain degree, because we can even find different definitions for "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits." These two relationship forms are obviously quite similar, but we've managed to give them subtly different labels.

What is a label, anyway? It's an expectation. I can tell you from personal experience that having expectations never helps. I'm talking about everything, from jobs to sex. The only thing expectations have ever brought me are a) lack of surprise at something good, or b) disappointment.


Hypothetical situation: Getting back to my previous examples of "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits," let's say a guy and a girl are acquaintances and they've got serious sexual chemistry. They have sex a few times, and the guy casually tells her that they're fuck buddies. That's fine -- whatever. But then the girl starts having some feelings for him. She's so confused, because she thinks her feelings will get in the way of their "fuck buddy" relationship and doesn't know if, or how, she should bring it up in conversation with him. Over time, she may start having major anxiety issues. I'm not pulling this stuff out of nowhere, you guys -- it does happen.

Labels, silent rules, expectations...they're all the same monster. So let's try this: instead of attaching a label to your relationship in order to define it, why not just talk to your partner and say, "Hey, here's how I feel, and what I want. How about you?"

Am I making it sound easy? Yes -- because it CAN be easy! You're the one making things difficult when you start bringing your labels and expectations into the mix. So quit mucking things up with titles, chief. And if a friend asks you to explain your relationship with someone, try describing it instead of labeling it: "We're good friends, and occasionally more." That is just an example, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. You should never let a title/label/expectation define your sexual/romantic relationships.

Now, I'm not saying you should not have standards. By all means, you should know what you want and what you don't want! But instead of expecting something from other people, expect it only from yourself.

Respect yourself, and you will always find your way.

The Triad Relationship

I realized recently that I've blogged many times about how successful my polyamorous lifestyle has been, but have never written about the positive relationships. It's time to start, right now. I'm going to tell you about my most unconventional relationship thus far -- the triad.

For the first few years of my relationship with Aaron, I was super-insecure. It was awful. Have you ever met one of those girlfriends who views every other woman as a threat? Yep...that was me. Not a good place to be. But over time, and with much affection and support from Aaron, I began to relax a bit. It was becoming clear that Aaron and I were not only best friends, but life partners as well. We became polyamorous.

I should point out that I'm bisexual, and that, in the past, I had many times thought about having a three-way relationship with Aaron and another lady. But I never thought we would find a girl we were both attracted to who not only felt the same about us, but was also laid-back and interested in what we could offer. I mean, really, what were the odds of finding that perfect match? So the triad idea floated in and out of my mind, more a fantasy than a realistic goal.

Then we met Tara.

It was a Saturday and she was at the mall, giving away balloons to advertise the store where she worked. She ran up to Aaron and handed him a balloon, telling him she loved his Penny Arcade shirt. She was beautiful. Aaron thanked her and as we were walking away together, he had a big smile on his face. "You should give her your number!" I said. He hesitated for a moment -- surprised, I think, at my enthusiasm. A couple of minutes later, he had his number written down on a scrap of paper and ran back to her. When he returned to me, he was still smiling.

She called him only a couple of days later. They got together several times and a casual relationship formed between them. Aaron would come home and tell me about their adventures, and a lot about her. I was quite curious. After all, I'd only seen her that one time at the mall, and she and I hadn't even talked. And though I was very attracted to her, I had no way of knowing if she was bisexual herself...short of asking her, of course, but damn it, that kind of thing takes guts that I don't have yet.

One day Aaron came home after hanging out with her and said, "It came up in conversation today that you're bisexual, and Tara got really excited." (OH MY GOSH!!) I immediately asked if the three of us could hang out together soon. Not long after, a date was set.

We met her in the downtown area of where we were living at the time. She was dressed in one of the craziest outfits I'd ever seen -- a thick black shirt that looked like a straight-jacket undone, matching black pants and clunky black boots. I suppose the strangest thing about it was the fact that the temperature that day had to have been at least 75 degrees. But hey, it was her style and I was fascinated. Nay -- smitten!

Over the next year, the three of us had wonderful times together. We would spend a night at her place sometimes, and quite often, she would spend several days with us at our apartment. We grew to love each other very much. I liked calling us a "sexy, cozy family". We'd go out to dinner, explore San Francisco, watch movies, etc...everything that people in relationships do together. The mood was always very relaxed because Tara was always very relaxed -- she was a free spirit with no expectations.

She eventually went her own way and moved up to the city to try a different style of living. She is now in a happy, monogamous relationship with a very sweet man who thinks of world of her. We don't talk to Tara very often anymore, but we'll always be friends, without question.

And I look back on our time together as one of the best years of my life.

Saying "No" to Possessive Urges

I received a request recently to write about about how to avoid acting possessive. Here goes.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to avoid possessive people, by recognizing the signs. I also talked about the difference between feeling, and acting, possessive. The tendency to feel possessive about someone is very natural, but it should never be indulged. So...what if you're feeling possessive, and bordering on acting possessive? Maybe it wasn't an issue for the first few weeks of your relationship, but now you want him/her all to yourself and you occasionally make an effort to accomplish this. You know this isn't the way you're supposed to act, but what can you do??

First of all, just breathe for a minute, cookie. Chances are, you're probably super-stressed to begin with. So breathe. Close your eyes and take full, deep breaths, filling your belly with air...then your center...and then your chest. Notice the thoughts moving through your mind, but don't focus on any particular thought...just let them continue moving, like clouds. Exhale slowly, imagining all of your body's tension leaving you. Take the next few minutes to just breathe. ... Feel a little better? If you don't, repeat the breathing exercise a few more times.

Now that you're a bit more relaxed, let's move on.

Understand why possessive behavior is unhealthy. This is important. If you're feeling super-possessive about your significant other, it is probably fair to assume that your social life is lacking. You spend most nights either alone or with your significant other. Maybe you were always a bit of a loner, or maybe you slowly, without even meaning to, blew off your friends one by one after you began your romantic relationship. Regardless, you are now emotionally dependent on your boyfriend/girlfriend. (Oh enough of this 'him/her' stuff...let's go with the genderless name 'Stevie'). Anyway, it's not a good place for either of you to be, because you are relying on Stevie for everything, and Stevie has the responsibility of keeping you happy all the time. This will inevitably result in a massive amount of stress for both of you.

So work on your social life. It's great to have Stevie, but you should also have a nice circle of friends. It doesn't have to be a huge circle, but you should always try to make new friends. Meaning, don't stop looking after you've made a couple of friends and say, "Hey, I made my Friend Quota for this year!" It is so important to connect with as many people as possible...I can't emphasize this enough. Knowing you've got friends who'll always be there for you is the kind of reassurance we all need on a daily basis. There is a lot of love to be found in the world. If you're only looking for romantic love, then you're missing out big-time. If you're not even sure where to look for friends, check out OkCupid; it's a great site to meet people who mesh with you.

It's hard to feel good about yourself if you don't think you're needed. You've gotten to a point where you need Stevie on a desperate level. And it feels gross to you, because you still don't feel needed yourself. So when you try to keep Stevie all to yourself, is it only because you crave lots of attention? Or, is it a combination of that craving, and a hope to cut Stevie off from other friends? If you think about it, that latter bit would make your situation and Stevie's situation identical. You'd only have each other. How romantic...and profoundly sad.

By this point I have probably struck a nerve and you may be feeling kinda lousy about yourself. But don't. After all, the reason you're reading this is because you want to better yourself. So cheer up! You're leagues ahead of most people out there, and you should be proud of that. Treat yourself to an ice cream novelty. Oh...now I'm hungry. Damn. Anyway, onto the next part.

No secrets are necessary. Tell your significant other what you're going through. Don't be scared that you'll be looked at as though you're crazy. Say, "Look, here's what I'm trying to deal with right now. I know it's not right to feel this way, and I want to be better. I want our relationship to be healthy. Could you work with me on this?" If Stevie is worth all the effort you've put in so far, you'll have plenty of support. And you'll feel better because everything will be out in the open. I mean, seriously, who likes having secrets? They just serve to make you feel gross inside. Avoid grossness. Embrace communication.

Fairness is key. I've mentioned this in other articles, but when you're in a romantic relationship, it's very helpful to remember the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." We all desire personal freedom. So do you really want to take away Stevie's personal freedom whilst you retain your own? Well, you might want that. But now that you realize your double standards, can you make that kind of demand and feel okay about it? Be fair; it's the right thing to do.

I want to say thank you to Liza for suggesting this article topic. To Liza and everyone else who reads this article, thanks for reading, and I hope it can be of some help to you.

Now, for that ice cream novelty...