Re: Triad Questions

**This entry is responding to questions from a reader, Chantelle. Sorry this took so long, Chantelle!**

"I am just becoming aware of my bisexual nature... its odd, I don't particularily find women attractive but put into sexual settings I am very aroused by them. A couple friends if mine (A guy and a girl)had been looking for a 3rd for a Triad... When I first met them I thought I was 100% straight but the more I heard their stories and my sisters (she's bi) I felt interested... bi curious. Now I am part of this Triad with my friends and I am completely head over heals for David, and I love Sarah to death but I just don't feel the same for her as I do him, and I am first off wondering if this is because this is new to me (being with a woman) and I just don't get it the same way, is it normal to feel more for one member than another, or does this spell out future doom for us? Your thoughts are appreciated." -Chantelle


Chantelle,

It is possible for there to be inequality in a triad relationship. This can come in the form of being more attracted to one person than the other, being more committed to one than the other, or any number of things I'm not thinking of. It doesn't necessarily "spell doom."

I'll start with your confusion about Sarah, since you seem to be struggling to figure out your sexuality. First of all, if you are not sexually attracted to Sarah, it could just mean that she isn't your type. It doesn't necessarily mean you're "straight." You were asking me, however, if your confusion stems from being new to the world of woman/woman relationships. My answer is that I don't think that's something you need to worry about, because when you get involved with someone you care about and are attracted to -- man or woman -- you will notice that it feels right on a very instinctual level. You might have society (family, friends, coworkers, etc..) questioning your relationship and sexuality, causing you to second-guess yourself, but if we took all that crap away, there would just be you, the person you're involved with, and that feeling of rightness.

You mentioned that you're not really attracted to women except in a sexual setting. I can understand this to a certain degree because I tend to view the feminine form as more sensual and beautiful than the male form. It's interesting to me that you aren't normally attracted to women in other, everyday situations, but I'm no expert on sexuality. I'll tell you what, though...I don't believe sexuality is a black and white concept.

Everyone is different. People just adore labeling things -- especially other people. We want to know if someone's political views are "left or right," for example, as though there couldn't possibly be any views that fall somewhere in the middle. It's a bit ridiculous, really. And the same thing happens with sexual orientation: are we straight, bisexual or gay? I'm not immune to wanting to label, either. I call myself bisexual, and when I first read your question, my first thought was "she's straight." But then I reread the question a few times, and have now taken the attitude of "Who am I to know?"

There are always gray areas, and we -- myself included -- should try to remember that. To appeal to the geeks out there, a brilliant Jedi named Obi-Wan once said, "Only a Sith thinks in absolutes." Ah-hem...anyway. Only you can understand your sexuality completely. And don't let anyone make you question that or make you feel uncomfortable about it.

Now, onto the other issue here: you are in love with David. You should be prepared for potentially upsetting responses when you talk to David and Sarah about this. And you do need to talk to them. Tell them everything you told me. If the two of them were a committed couple before you came along, then your confession might result in the triad having to end. But maybe not; maybe you and Sarah feel the same way about each other and about David, for example. If that's the case, the three of you could possibly continue the triad with an acceptance that there just isn't equal attraction between you. There are lots of different relationships out there -- as different as the people who are part of them.

The talk with them may be difficult, but complete honesty is necessary in a totally harmonious relationship of any kind. And you'll feel better afterward anyway, because keeping secrets tends to eat away at one's emotional well-being. Tell them everything you're feeling. They will most-likely reciprocate, and from there you three can figure out what kind of future, if any, you want to strive for with the relationship.

Best of luck, Chantelle!

Becoming the Ideal Version of Yourself

What would the ideal version of myself do?

I ask myself this question fairly often. See, I'm kinda screwed-up...
...Insecure.
...Depressed.
...Easily frustrated.
...Overly-emotional.
Stuff gets to me more than it should. Everyday stuff, from wondering if my massage client is enjoying his/her treatment, to over-analyzing a brief interaction I had with someone. I think too much sometimes instead of just being content with doing what I can, and living in the moment.

If you're anything like me -- and I know I am -- then you understand how stressful every experience can be. And are you happy with this state? I'm not.
I don't want to be upset over small details.
I don't want to judge myself so harshly.
I don't want to live in fear.
...you, too? Fab! Keep reading.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had fantasies about how I'd live my life when I grew up. I imagined myself to be confident and beautiful, and everyone would like me because I'd inspire them with my happy attitude and drive.

What is a fantasy? A dream one considers out-of-reach.

The bright side is that I don't think those dreams are far-fetched anymore. I've worked hard at fixing up my life, and I am a completely different person than I used to be. I'm not always confident, but I do, at times, feel beautiful. My attitude isn't always happy, but I would definitely consider myself well-liked by others. So far as I can tell, I am halfway to becoming the adult I always dreamed of being. Not too shabby, considering I'm only 25. And I got here by taking chances on school, jobs, myself, and others.

It was my life partner who made me think hard about how powerless I really was. "What would the ideal version of yourself do?" he'd ask me when I'd be struggling with a choice. My answers were always along the vein of 'I would take the risk and go for it.' He'd then smile at me and ask me what I was waiting for, what I had to lose.

I have a theory that, in most situations we encounter and struggle with, there is rarely anything substantial to be lost -- or at least, nothing that can't be regained.

> Hate your job but scared to quit it? Jonathan Coulton quit his day job to pursue a career as a musician, and he's become successful in less than 3 years. Had he failed, he could've just found another 9-5 gig.

> Want to have relationship-styles outside of the norm? I was monogamous for 3 years with Aaron before we decided to go polyamorous. I'd say that 90% of the people I talk to about it don't understand and think we're weird. But on the other hand, I've met amazing people since then and have had fantastic relationships. Had it failed, Aaron and I could have just gone back to being monogamous.

> Want to travel but don't have a ton of money? My brother flew to New Zealand with only a few hundred dollars left in his pocket and lived there for 8 months. He went from job to job, earning cash as he needed it and then pressing on. He absolutely loved it. Had he run out of money while there, he could have stayed at hostels or camped or found friends to live with for a while until he'd earned enough money to come back home again.

So let's think about this: what is the worst that could happen if you fail?

Let's say you decide you want to open you're own business. You borrow tons of money to make your business. And what happens? It flops. Yeah, that sucks and all, but what is the worst that will happen after that? You'll be in debt. You're not going to go to Hell, your family and friends won't suddenly hate you, and there won't be an apocalypse... You'll simply be in financial debt. Big whoop. Everybody's got debt. Besides, you'll have learned so much about what didn't work in your business that you might want to give it another go. The experience won't have been a waste at all. And if anybody tells you otherwise, don't believe them; they simply aren't brave enough to be the ideal versions of themselves, and you should pity their poor, poor souls.

Now, I'm not trying to say that everything is worth a risk. Some things should be respected enough to never be tried -- anything breaking the law, for example. Or haggis.

And, sometimes you'll lose the bet you made with yourself. I've come out on top with every chance I've taken so far, but that won't always be the case. I think one of the most important challenges for me will be when I take a leap and fall gracelessly onto my ass -- because my insecure, doubtful inner-voice will say, Told you you should've taken the safe road. It's better not to try. I want to be able to lose and still be happy that I took the chance, and took control of my life. In other words, the ideal version of myself will get back off the ground, learn from the experience and keep walking confidently.

You can do the same. Eventually you and I will realize once and for all that we always have a choice.

Choose to be the ideal version of yourself.