Essay Questions, part 2

Hey gang! Here's the second half of those essay questions that I finally finished.

What do you think is key in your relationship?

Gratitude. We show appreciation for each other all the time. If Aaron does something for me, I'll say, "Thank you so much!" This goes for the tiniest things, like him pouring a glass of water for me if I mention I'm thirsty. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference, I think. It has a lot to do with never getting "used" to someone and building up expectations. I will never expect Aaron to do little things for me like pour those glasses of water, but I think it is super-sweet and thoughtful when he does.

How do you maintain a polyamorous relationship?

Good communication, consideration, and love. Being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others.

What are some of the communication tools you use within the relationship?

I mentioned using "I feel" statements. I also hug a lot, if I'm not terribly upset/angry. Body language is super-important, and in my ideal communication situation, I am hugging Aaron as I say, "I feel..." Again, if I'm too upset or angry then I frequently don't like physical contact until the issue is almost settled. I'm not perfect at this communication thing, but I know how I want it to be done. Someday I hope to be so emotionally stable that there won't be any "When I'm too upset" situations.

How do you maintain the "flame" between you two?

Dating other people has helped, I think. Aaron and I see each other everyday, so there has always been that element of "getting used" to each other. It's to be expected, I guess. After I come back from a good date with someone, I see Aaron, and it's frequently as though I'm seeing him in a new light. When I date other people, I'm taking myself out of my comfort mode. I think it's great to flip one's life upside-down in that way...it's a rush. In the beginning, that rush would continue long after I came home from a date. Now that rush seems to always be with me to an extent. I see Aaron, and find myself wanting to surprise him in all sorts of way. I feel sexy and confident, and I want to be with my sexy, confident boyfriend.

What are some of the harder situations you've been into within the relationship and how did you deal with it?

There was a guy I was dating shortly after Aaron and I became polyamorous who didn't treat me well, and wording it that way is being generous. Aaron wanted me to stop dating the guy, but I felt like this other guy could be wonderful if I just tried a little harder to be what he was looking for. It was horrible, and it went on for months before I finally gained the nerve, and desire, to break it off. That was 3 years ago. It was easily the hardest thing Aaron and I have ever dealt with, and while I can't speak for Aaron, I know that I am still dealing with it to this day. All I can do to try to move on is analyze why I acted the way I did, and learn from it. And I have Aaron to provide all the emotional support I could ever want.

What are some of the good things about being in an open relationship?

I really enjoy being available in the dating world. Something about that makes me feel confident and attractive.

I also like that I'll never feel as though Aaron and I are together because of some unspoken rule. We stay together not because we feel trapped in this relationship, but because it simply feels unnatural to be apart.

In addition, living life this way has brought Aaron and I so much closer together. The necessity for total communication has taught us so much about ourselves and each other that I consider going polyamorous to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This lifestyle has pushed me -- and still challenges me -- to be the best version of myself, and I'm very proud of that.

Essay Questions, Part 1

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in ages...I've been busy with my two jobs. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all, though; a friend of Aaron's asked that we answer some questions for a college project she's doing on polyamory. Here are some of the questions, and my responses.

What were some of the steps you had to take to have a successful, open relationship?

One step we had to take was improving our communication. We'd always been good at talking to each other about how we felt, but now that we are seeing other people, it's really important that we don't hold things back. It's hard sometimes. For example, it's a little weird for me when I am upset about something going on with someone I'm dating and I need to talk to Aaron about it. But as soon as we start talking, the weirdness is gone and it's just me venting to my best friend.

Another important thing we both had to accept is that eventually our other significant others will break up with us. For example, if I am dating another man and he is not polyamorous, I have to be prepared for the day when he meets the person with whom he wants to be monogamous. After all, I can't offer monogamy; I'm committed to Aaron. But I believe that everyone deserves to have someone just for him/her at some point in life...it's a very big deal to know that you are the only person that someone wants to be with. The major thing for Aaron and I to accept is that the happy experience of that temporary relationship is completely worth the rejection that comes later. Aaron handles this far better than I do. It's still a work in progress for me, but the person I want to be is a carefree lady who lives in the moment.

How do you feel when your other dates someone else?

I feel happy for him. I know exactly how exciting it is to start a new relationship, and I want Aaron to experience that. When he does, I'm thrilled. Honestly, it can bring about a little jealousy at times, but it's usually nothing major. And when both of us are seeing other people, the jealousy is gone entirely.

What if it's someone you don't really approve of?

We deal. There have been times where a girl has hurt Aaron, and I feel a little anger towards her and wish he'd stop seeing her. But that's as far as it goes, really -- I'll tell him how I feel about it, and whatever he does after that is his decision entirely. I accept his choices -- sometimes grudgingly. But I accept them.

What are some ways that you deal with jealousy?

The way I deal with jealousy is to talk about it. I'll say to Aaron, "I'm kinda feeling a little jealous." It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think Aaron takes it as his cue to explain to me why he wants to spend his life with me. All I need is a little reassurance sometimes, and he's wonderful about providing that.

What do you do to handle tense or frustrating moments?

We talk about the issue. I'll explain why I'm upset as calmly as I can. I like to use "I feel" statements a lot because placing blame isn't really the best way to solve anything: "I feel like you don't really understand what it's like for me" or "I feel like you could be a little clearer about this." It doesn't always work out, and I'm not always calm. Sometimes I'm so upset that I have to leave the issue for a little while so that I can cool down. Later, I'm ready to approach the issue.

Aaron and I aren't the kind of people that let things fester. We absolutely hate being upset with each other and will frequently feel a little nauseous in those situations. I'll say that in 99% of disagreements, we talk about everything and fix the issue within a couple of hours.

Saying "No" to Possessive Urges

I received a request recently to write about about how to avoid acting possessive. Here goes.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to avoid possessive people, by recognizing the signs. I also talked about the difference between feeling, and acting, possessive. The tendency to feel possessive about someone is very natural, but it should never be indulged. So...what if you're feeling possessive, and bordering on acting possessive? Maybe it wasn't an issue for the first few weeks of your relationship, but now you want him/her all to yourself and you occasionally make an effort to accomplish this. You know this isn't the way you're supposed to act, but what can you do??

First of all, just breathe for a minute, cookie. Chances are, you're probably super-stressed to begin with. So breathe. Close your eyes and take full, deep breaths, filling your belly with air...then your center...and then your chest. Notice the thoughts moving through your mind, but don't focus on any particular thought...just let them continue moving, like clouds. Exhale slowly, imagining all of your body's tension leaving you. Take the next few minutes to just breathe. ... Feel a little better? If you don't, repeat the breathing exercise a few more times.

Now that you're a bit more relaxed, let's move on.

Understand why possessive behavior is unhealthy. This is important. If you're feeling super-possessive about your significant other, it is probably fair to assume that your social life is lacking. You spend most nights either alone or with your significant other. Maybe you were always a bit of a loner, or maybe you slowly, without even meaning to, blew off your friends one by one after you began your romantic relationship. Regardless, you are now emotionally dependent on your boyfriend/girlfriend. (Oh enough of this 'him/her' stuff...let's go with the genderless name 'Stevie'). Anyway, it's not a good place for either of you to be, because you are relying on Stevie for everything, and Stevie has the responsibility of keeping you happy all the time. This will inevitably result in a massive amount of stress for both of you.

So work on your social life. It's great to have Stevie, but you should also have a nice circle of friends. It doesn't have to be a huge circle, but you should always try to make new friends. Meaning, don't stop looking after you've made a couple of friends and say, "Hey, I made my Friend Quota for this year!" It is so important to connect with as many people as possible...I can't emphasize this enough. Knowing you've got friends who'll always be there for you is the kind of reassurance we all need on a daily basis. There is a lot of love to be found in the world. If you're only looking for romantic love, then you're missing out big-time. If you're not even sure where to look for friends, check out OkCupid; it's a great site to meet people who mesh with you.

It's hard to feel good about yourself if you don't think you're needed. You've gotten to a point where you need Stevie on a desperate level. And it feels gross to you, because you still don't feel needed yourself. So when you try to keep Stevie all to yourself, is it only because you crave lots of attention? Or, is it a combination of that craving, and a hope to cut Stevie off from other friends? If you think about it, that latter bit would make your situation and Stevie's situation identical. You'd only have each other. How romantic...and profoundly sad.

By this point I have probably struck a nerve and you may be feeling kinda lousy about yourself. But don't. After all, the reason you're reading this is because you want to better yourself. So cheer up! You're leagues ahead of most people out there, and you should be proud of that. Treat yourself to an ice cream novelty. Oh...now I'm hungry. Damn. Anyway, onto the next part.

No secrets are necessary. Tell your significant other what you're going through. Don't be scared that you'll be looked at as though you're crazy. Say, "Look, here's what I'm trying to deal with right now. I know it's not right to feel this way, and I want to be better. I want our relationship to be healthy. Could you work with me on this?" If Stevie is worth all the effort you've put in so far, you'll have plenty of support. And you'll feel better because everything will be out in the open. I mean, seriously, who likes having secrets? They just serve to make you feel gross inside. Avoid grossness. Embrace communication.

Fairness is key. I've mentioned this in other articles, but when you're in a romantic relationship, it's very helpful to remember the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." We all desire personal freedom. So do you really want to take away Stevie's personal freedom whilst you retain your own? Well, you might want that. But now that you realize your double standards, can you make that kind of demand and feel okay about it? Be fair; it's the right thing to do.

I want to say thank you to Liza for suggesting this article topic. To Liza and everyone else who reads this article, thanks for reading, and I hope it can be of some help to you.

Now, for that ice cream novelty...

Boundaries + Compromise = Happiness

If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.

Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.

For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.

When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.

So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.

You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.

Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?

Communication in Relationships: A Necessity, Not An Option

I must sound like a broken record by now when I say this, but communication is of the utmost importance in relationships. I tend to believe that none of us are born with this understanding -- that it's a learn-from-your-mistakes kind of deal. Which...*ahem*...means that one of my relationships was ruined due to lousy communication. So this week's blog from me is about one of my screw-ups. Gotta keep myself humble, yeah? Heh, here goes.

Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.

I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.

So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.

He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.

What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.

I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.

See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.

My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P