Essay Questions, Part 1

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in ages...I've been busy with my two jobs. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all, though; a friend of Aaron's asked that we answer some questions for a college project she's doing on polyamory. Here are some of the questions, and my responses.

What were some of the steps you had to take to have a successful, open relationship?

One step we had to take was improving our communication. We'd always been good at talking to each other about how we felt, but now that we are seeing other people, it's really important that we don't hold things back. It's hard sometimes. For example, it's a little weird for me when I am upset about something going on with someone I'm dating and I need to talk to Aaron about it. But as soon as we start talking, the weirdness is gone and it's just me venting to my best friend.

Another important thing we both had to accept is that eventually our other significant others will break up with us. For example, if I am dating another man and he is not polyamorous, I have to be prepared for the day when he meets the person with whom he wants to be monogamous. After all, I can't offer monogamy; I'm committed to Aaron. But I believe that everyone deserves to have someone just for him/her at some point in life...it's a very big deal to know that you are the only person that someone wants to be with. The major thing for Aaron and I to accept is that the happy experience of that temporary relationship is completely worth the rejection that comes later. Aaron handles this far better than I do. It's still a work in progress for me, but the person I want to be is a carefree lady who lives in the moment.

How do you feel when your other dates someone else?

I feel happy for him. I know exactly how exciting it is to start a new relationship, and I want Aaron to experience that. When he does, I'm thrilled. Honestly, it can bring about a little jealousy at times, but it's usually nothing major. And when both of us are seeing other people, the jealousy is gone entirely.

What if it's someone you don't really approve of?

We deal. There have been times where a girl has hurt Aaron, and I feel a little anger towards her and wish he'd stop seeing her. But that's as far as it goes, really -- I'll tell him how I feel about it, and whatever he does after that is his decision entirely. I accept his choices -- sometimes grudgingly. But I accept them.

What are some ways that you deal with jealousy?

The way I deal with jealousy is to talk about it. I'll say to Aaron, "I'm kinda feeling a little jealous." It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think Aaron takes it as his cue to explain to me why he wants to spend his life with me. All I need is a little reassurance sometimes, and he's wonderful about providing that.

What do you do to handle tense or frustrating moments?

We talk about the issue. I'll explain why I'm upset as calmly as I can. I like to use "I feel" statements a lot because placing blame isn't really the best way to solve anything: "I feel like you don't really understand what it's like for me" or "I feel like you could be a little clearer about this." It doesn't always work out, and I'm not always calm. Sometimes I'm so upset that I have to leave the issue for a little while so that I can cool down. Later, I'm ready to approach the issue.

Aaron and I aren't the kind of people that let things fester. We absolutely hate being upset with each other and will frequently feel a little nauseous in those situations. I'll say that in 99% of disagreements, we talk about everything and fix the issue within a couple of hours.

Why Women Dread Dating

One thing I've noticed in the past couple of months is my lack of enthusiasm for dating. I was very surprised when I first realized my true feelings about it, because I frequently talk to friends about how much fun it can be. So why the change of heart?

After a recent date, I now have the answer: the thought of dating exhausts me because the dates themselves frequently feel forced.

I have lost count of the dates I've gone on where the guy starts whipping out his tricks. "Tricks, Jade?" Yes, reader...tricks. See below:

-"Are you cold?" Granted, you may be truly concerned about my comfort, but usually? You just want an excuse to put your arms around me. I'd rather just shiver for a bit than prematurely launch into the touching stage. Go away.

-"Would you like a massage?" Maybe it's because I'm a massage therapist that this offer isn't quite so awesome as it could be. I view massage as a true body maintenance method, and it bothers me to see it reduced to a technique for getting your hands on me during a first or second date. If you're going to massage me, I want to know that it's got a lot more do with making me feel better, and lot less to do with your penis. And no, your penis will not make me feel better. Go away.

-"Let me walk you to your car. ...No, I insist." No, I insist that you don't. Why? Because I know you'll probably be expecting something from me before I get into my car, sweet and kind though it was of you to ensure my safety to this point. I will say 'goodnight' and 'thanks for the date' over and over again, but you will continue to stand there, like a Labrador eagerly waiting for its owner to throw the frisbee again. And quit giving me that come-over-here look, as though we're both in on some big secret. Yes, I know what you're after. But guess what? I know exactly what I want, too, and that is to drive home -- right now. Go away.

The common theme is that feeling of being rushed. I used to shrug my shoulders and go along with it, sadly, but in the past year, I've reevaluated how I live my life. I am now a firm believer that all things worth having in this life are worth working and waiting for. So why should physical intimacy with someone be any different? I am a lady who takes a while to warm up to people, not unlike a cat. I'll smile, chat, laugh, etc., but I respect peoples' personal space, and I like them to do the same for me. Hugging is something I prefer to reserve for people I'm close to, so my opinions on kissing should go without saying. I like things to take their natural course.

That said, try to remember what it was like when you were an adolescent hanging out with your biggest crush. Neither person made any move for the longest time...and wasn't it unbelievably exciting?? It was completely unpredictable, and completely thrilling. Now that you're older, most of you fellas have forgotten what it can be like. You only know the end result you want -- sex -- and you immediately start trying to make that happen. It does not need to be this way.

In conclusion... Guys, if you're reading this, just take it slow with your dates. Maybe try letting her make the first move. The thought is just crazy -- I know. But give it a shot. After all, it's entirely possible that the reason she hasn't tried to have sex with you yet is because she feels she barely knows you, and isn't ready. When she is ready, she'll let you know. In the meantime, relax, and go with the flow.

Reactions to a Life of Many Loves

Have you you ever been in a situation where you were going through something, and wanted to share it with the whole world?

One of the hardest things about becoming polyamorous for me was telling my friends and family. Truly. I was super-nervous about it. More nervous, in fact, than I was about dating other people. Silly, I know. But I am a very open person; I love sharing my day-to-day stuff with people, and I was hoping to have a bit of support. Everything feels better when you've got friends to back you up, yeah?

As it turned out, I was very surprised by the reactions I got when I told everyone. I'd had predictions about who would act what way. But for the most part? I was completely wrong.

I absolutely thought that my friends would support me. Maybe because we were all in our early 20s, I thought they'd get it. After all, wasn't our generation very open-minded about love and dating? Assumptions, assumptions. Anyway, I guess I was taking it too far with my new lifestyle choice, because the responses I got were, "I just don't think it's right," and "It won't work, it's a bad idea." It was all very upsetting, and I felt a little sick to my stomach to know that my friends thought so negatively of what Aaron and I were doing. My father was none-too-pleased about it, either: "I don't want to hear anything about this!"

But I won't get all doom-and-gloom on you; it wasn't all negative feedback.

My mother, of all people, completely supported my decision. My mother! This was the woman who would cringe and say "Gross!" when she'd see people French kissing in a movie. It was the strangest thing. She said to me, "Well, you know what you want. If it makes you happy, then I say go for it." It meant a great deal to have her behind me on this.

My coworkers were also quite supportive as well. In fact, to this day, they will still say to me, "I am so impressed that you and Aaron are doing this!"

I still occasionally deal with disapproval. My brother has probably had the most difficult time accepting my lifestyle. We're close, so I sometimes forget myself and just start blabbing about dates that Aaron has, or people I'm going to hang out with. When that happens, my brother tends to just get upset. So we drop it, and that's that. I can appreciate that polyamory is unsettling for some.

...That doesn't stop me from messing with Dad, though: "Hey, Dad, I've got a date with a really cute guy this weekend!" Hehe, I'm sick sometimes.

Boundaries + Compromise = Happiness

If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.

Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.

For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.

When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.

So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.

You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.

Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?

Jealousy: The Killjoy

Of all the hurdles I've had to jump since beginning my open relationship with Aaron, jealousy has been the most difficult. Yep, that's right -- I get jealous. It sucks, quite honestly, and I'd rather not feel it ever again. I'd also like to have a million dollars, but for now, let's focus on jealousy. I won't sit here and lie to you... Jealousy does rear its ugly head from time to time in relationships -- polyamorous, monogamous, and anything in between. It's sort of inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. And you can eventually rid it from your system. I swear! (c:

What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?

I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?

It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?

For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.

I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:

Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!

Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:

I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.

In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.

Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.

Why I Chose Polyamory

I broached the subject of an open relationship with Aaron three years ago partly because I was antsy. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, and while I loved him very much, I was also becoming scared at the idea that he might be the only person I'd ever know intimately and sexually. Wouldn't I be missing out on important life experiences? In addition, I'd always felt that connecting with people on a very intimate level was my main reason for being alive. Sure, I could have settled for making new friends and becoming very close to them, but like I said before, I was also antsy. So really, it was a combination of the two needs that led me to propose polyamory.

He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)

I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.

Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?

I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.

I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.

You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.