Essay Questions, part 2

Hey gang! Here's the second half of those essay questions that I finally finished.

What do you think is key in your relationship?

Gratitude. We show appreciation for each other all the time. If Aaron does something for me, I'll say, "Thank you so much!" This goes for the tiniest things, like him pouring a glass of water for me if I mention I'm thirsty. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference, I think. It has a lot to do with never getting "used" to someone and building up expectations. I will never expect Aaron to do little things for me like pour those glasses of water, but I think it is super-sweet and thoughtful when he does.

How do you maintain a polyamorous relationship?

Good communication, consideration, and love. Being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others.

What are some of the communication tools you use within the relationship?

I mentioned using "I feel" statements. I also hug a lot, if I'm not terribly upset/angry. Body language is super-important, and in my ideal communication situation, I am hugging Aaron as I say, "I feel..." Again, if I'm too upset or angry then I frequently don't like physical contact until the issue is almost settled. I'm not perfect at this communication thing, but I know how I want it to be done. Someday I hope to be so emotionally stable that there won't be any "When I'm too upset" situations.

How do you maintain the "flame" between you two?

Dating other people has helped, I think. Aaron and I see each other everyday, so there has always been that element of "getting used" to each other. It's to be expected, I guess. After I come back from a good date with someone, I see Aaron, and it's frequently as though I'm seeing him in a new light. When I date other people, I'm taking myself out of my comfort mode. I think it's great to flip one's life upside-down in that way...it's a rush. In the beginning, that rush would continue long after I came home from a date. Now that rush seems to always be with me to an extent. I see Aaron, and find myself wanting to surprise him in all sorts of way. I feel sexy and confident, and I want to be with my sexy, confident boyfriend.

What are some of the harder situations you've been into within the relationship and how did you deal with it?

There was a guy I was dating shortly after Aaron and I became polyamorous who didn't treat me well, and wording it that way is being generous. Aaron wanted me to stop dating the guy, but I felt like this other guy could be wonderful if I just tried a little harder to be what he was looking for. It was horrible, and it went on for months before I finally gained the nerve, and desire, to break it off. That was 3 years ago. It was easily the hardest thing Aaron and I have ever dealt with, and while I can't speak for Aaron, I know that I am still dealing with it to this day. All I can do to try to move on is analyze why I acted the way I did, and learn from it. And I have Aaron to provide all the emotional support I could ever want.

What are some of the good things about being in an open relationship?

I really enjoy being available in the dating world. Something about that makes me feel confident and attractive.

I also like that I'll never feel as though Aaron and I are together because of some unspoken rule. We stay together not because we feel trapped in this relationship, but because it simply feels unnatural to be apart.

In addition, living life this way has brought Aaron and I so much closer together. The necessity for total communication has taught us so much about ourselves and each other that I consider going polyamorous to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This lifestyle has pushed me -- and still challenges me -- to be the best version of myself, and I'm very proud of that.

Essay Questions, Part 1

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in ages...I've been busy with my two jobs. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all, though; a friend of Aaron's asked that we answer some questions for a college project she's doing on polyamory. Here are some of the questions, and my responses.

What were some of the steps you had to take to have a successful, open relationship?

One step we had to take was improving our communication. We'd always been good at talking to each other about how we felt, but now that we are seeing other people, it's really important that we don't hold things back. It's hard sometimes. For example, it's a little weird for me when I am upset about something going on with someone I'm dating and I need to talk to Aaron about it. But as soon as we start talking, the weirdness is gone and it's just me venting to my best friend.

Another important thing we both had to accept is that eventually our other significant others will break up with us. For example, if I am dating another man and he is not polyamorous, I have to be prepared for the day when he meets the person with whom he wants to be monogamous. After all, I can't offer monogamy; I'm committed to Aaron. But I believe that everyone deserves to have someone just for him/her at some point in life...it's a very big deal to know that you are the only person that someone wants to be with. The major thing for Aaron and I to accept is that the happy experience of that temporary relationship is completely worth the rejection that comes later. Aaron handles this far better than I do. It's still a work in progress for me, but the person I want to be is a carefree lady who lives in the moment.

How do you feel when your other dates someone else?

I feel happy for him. I know exactly how exciting it is to start a new relationship, and I want Aaron to experience that. When he does, I'm thrilled. Honestly, it can bring about a little jealousy at times, but it's usually nothing major. And when both of us are seeing other people, the jealousy is gone entirely.

What if it's someone you don't really approve of?

We deal. There have been times where a girl has hurt Aaron, and I feel a little anger towards her and wish he'd stop seeing her. But that's as far as it goes, really -- I'll tell him how I feel about it, and whatever he does after that is his decision entirely. I accept his choices -- sometimes grudgingly. But I accept them.

What are some ways that you deal with jealousy?

The way I deal with jealousy is to talk about it. I'll say to Aaron, "I'm kinda feeling a little jealous." It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think Aaron takes it as his cue to explain to me why he wants to spend his life with me. All I need is a little reassurance sometimes, and he's wonderful about providing that.

What do you do to handle tense or frustrating moments?

We talk about the issue. I'll explain why I'm upset as calmly as I can. I like to use "I feel" statements a lot because placing blame isn't really the best way to solve anything: "I feel like you don't really understand what it's like for me" or "I feel like you could be a little clearer about this." It doesn't always work out, and I'm not always calm. Sometimes I'm so upset that I have to leave the issue for a little while so that I can cool down. Later, I'm ready to approach the issue.

Aaron and I aren't the kind of people that let things fester. We absolutely hate being upset with each other and will frequently feel a little nauseous in those situations. I'll say that in 99% of disagreements, we talk about everything and fix the issue within a couple of hours.

Possessiveness = Bad

As promised in my last blog about jealousy, this next writing is about possessiveness -- its definition, causes, attributes, etc.. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that "possessiveness cannot exist in a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship." Very true. But guess what? It sucks in monogamy, too. Why? Because possessiveness is never a good thing. And the more you know about it, the better chance you have at avoiding relationships with possessive people. So, if you are interested in leading a happy, drama-free love life, read on!

A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..

Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.

There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.

I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.

"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.

Jealousy: The Killjoy

Of all the hurdles I've had to jump since beginning my open relationship with Aaron, jealousy has been the most difficult. Yep, that's right -- I get jealous. It sucks, quite honestly, and I'd rather not feel it ever again. I'd also like to have a million dollars, but for now, let's focus on jealousy. I won't sit here and lie to you... Jealousy does rear its ugly head from time to time in relationships -- polyamorous, monogamous, and anything in between. It's sort of inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. And you can eventually rid it from your system. I swear! (c:

What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?

I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?

It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?

For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.

I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:

Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!

Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:

I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.

In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.

Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.