The Man I Couldn't Fix

It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.

I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.

Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.

Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.

He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.

I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.

My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.

I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.

About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.

When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.

Jealousy: The Killjoy

Of all the hurdles I've had to jump since beginning my open relationship with Aaron, jealousy has been the most difficult. Yep, that's right -- I get jealous. It sucks, quite honestly, and I'd rather not feel it ever again. I'd also like to have a million dollars, but for now, let's focus on jealousy. I won't sit here and lie to you... Jealousy does rear its ugly head from time to time in relationships -- polyamorous, monogamous, and anything in between. It's sort of inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. And you can eventually rid it from your system. I swear! (c:

What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?

I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?

It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?

For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.

I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:

Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!

Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:

I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.

In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.

Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.