Essay Questions, part 2

Hey gang! Here's the second half of those essay questions that I finally finished.

What do you think is key in your relationship?

Gratitude. We show appreciation for each other all the time. If Aaron does something for me, I'll say, "Thank you so much!" This goes for the tiniest things, like him pouring a glass of water for me if I mention I'm thirsty. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference, I think. It has a lot to do with never getting "used" to someone and building up expectations. I will never expect Aaron to do little things for me like pour those glasses of water, but I think it is super-sweet and thoughtful when he does.

How do you maintain a polyamorous relationship?

Good communication, consideration, and love. Being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others.

What are some of the communication tools you use within the relationship?

I mentioned using "I feel" statements. I also hug a lot, if I'm not terribly upset/angry. Body language is super-important, and in my ideal communication situation, I am hugging Aaron as I say, "I feel..." Again, if I'm too upset or angry then I frequently don't like physical contact until the issue is almost settled. I'm not perfect at this communication thing, but I know how I want it to be done. Someday I hope to be so emotionally stable that there won't be any "When I'm too upset" situations.

How do you maintain the "flame" between you two?

Dating other people has helped, I think. Aaron and I see each other everyday, so there has always been that element of "getting used" to each other. It's to be expected, I guess. After I come back from a good date with someone, I see Aaron, and it's frequently as though I'm seeing him in a new light. When I date other people, I'm taking myself out of my comfort mode. I think it's great to flip one's life upside-down in that way...it's a rush. In the beginning, that rush would continue long after I came home from a date. Now that rush seems to always be with me to an extent. I see Aaron, and find myself wanting to surprise him in all sorts of way. I feel sexy and confident, and I want to be with my sexy, confident boyfriend.

What are some of the harder situations you've been into within the relationship and how did you deal with it?

There was a guy I was dating shortly after Aaron and I became polyamorous who didn't treat me well, and wording it that way is being generous. Aaron wanted me to stop dating the guy, but I felt like this other guy could be wonderful if I just tried a little harder to be what he was looking for. It was horrible, and it went on for months before I finally gained the nerve, and desire, to break it off. That was 3 years ago. It was easily the hardest thing Aaron and I have ever dealt with, and while I can't speak for Aaron, I know that I am still dealing with it to this day. All I can do to try to move on is analyze why I acted the way I did, and learn from it. And I have Aaron to provide all the emotional support I could ever want.

What are some of the good things about being in an open relationship?

I really enjoy being available in the dating world. Something about that makes me feel confident and attractive.

I also like that I'll never feel as though Aaron and I are together because of some unspoken rule. We stay together not because we feel trapped in this relationship, but because it simply feels unnatural to be apart.

In addition, living life this way has brought Aaron and I so much closer together. The necessity for total communication has taught us so much about ourselves and each other that I consider going polyamorous to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This lifestyle has pushed me -- and still challenges me -- to be the best version of myself, and I'm very proud of that.

What's Wrong with Casual Sex?

I heard someone say recently that casual sex should not occur in a polyamorous relationship, but is allowed in an open relationship. Now, the person who made those statements seems to view casual sex as something lacking in feeling, and therefore thinks it unsuitable in a relationship style that is all about love -- polyamory. But is it?

What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.

Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.

But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.

Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Reactions to a Life of Many Loves

Have you you ever been in a situation where you were going through something, and wanted to share it with the whole world?

One of the hardest things about becoming polyamorous for me was telling my friends and family. Truly. I was super-nervous about it. More nervous, in fact, than I was about dating other people. Silly, I know. But I am a very open person; I love sharing my day-to-day stuff with people, and I was hoping to have a bit of support. Everything feels better when you've got friends to back you up, yeah?

As it turned out, I was very surprised by the reactions I got when I told everyone. I'd had predictions about who would act what way. But for the most part? I was completely wrong.

I absolutely thought that my friends would support me. Maybe because we were all in our early 20s, I thought they'd get it. After all, wasn't our generation very open-minded about love and dating? Assumptions, assumptions. Anyway, I guess I was taking it too far with my new lifestyle choice, because the responses I got were, "I just don't think it's right," and "It won't work, it's a bad idea." It was all very upsetting, and I felt a little sick to my stomach to know that my friends thought so negatively of what Aaron and I were doing. My father was none-too-pleased about it, either: "I don't want to hear anything about this!"

But I won't get all doom-and-gloom on you; it wasn't all negative feedback.

My mother, of all people, completely supported my decision. My mother! This was the woman who would cringe and say "Gross!" when she'd see people French kissing in a movie. It was the strangest thing. She said to me, "Well, you know what you want. If it makes you happy, then I say go for it." It meant a great deal to have her behind me on this.

My coworkers were also quite supportive as well. In fact, to this day, they will still say to me, "I am so impressed that you and Aaron are doing this!"

I still occasionally deal with disapproval. My brother has probably had the most difficult time accepting my lifestyle. We're close, so I sometimes forget myself and just start blabbing about dates that Aaron has, or people I'm going to hang out with. When that happens, my brother tends to just get upset. So we drop it, and that's that. I can appreciate that polyamory is unsettling for some.

...That doesn't stop me from messing with Dad, though: "Hey, Dad, I've got a date with a really cute guy this weekend!" Hehe, I'm sick sometimes.

The Triad Relationship

I realized recently that I've blogged many times about how successful my polyamorous lifestyle has been, but have never written about the positive relationships. It's time to start, right now. I'm going to tell you about my most unconventional relationship thus far -- the triad.

For the first few years of my relationship with Aaron, I was super-insecure. It was awful. Have you ever met one of those girlfriends who views every other woman as a threat? Yep...that was me. Not a good place to be. But over time, and with much affection and support from Aaron, I began to relax a bit. It was becoming clear that Aaron and I were not only best friends, but life partners as well. We became polyamorous.

I should point out that I'm bisexual, and that, in the past, I had many times thought about having a three-way relationship with Aaron and another lady. But I never thought we would find a girl we were both attracted to who not only felt the same about us, but was also laid-back and interested in what we could offer. I mean, really, what were the odds of finding that perfect match? So the triad idea floated in and out of my mind, more a fantasy than a realistic goal.

Then we met Tara.

It was a Saturday and she was at the mall, giving away balloons to advertise the store where she worked. She ran up to Aaron and handed him a balloon, telling him she loved his Penny Arcade shirt. She was beautiful. Aaron thanked her and as we were walking away together, he had a big smile on his face. "You should give her your number!" I said. He hesitated for a moment -- surprised, I think, at my enthusiasm. A couple of minutes later, he had his number written down on a scrap of paper and ran back to her. When he returned to me, he was still smiling.

She called him only a couple of days later. They got together several times and a casual relationship formed between them. Aaron would come home and tell me about their adventures, and a lot about her. I was quite curious. After all, I'd only seen her that one time at the mall, and she and I hadn't even talked. And though I was very attracted to her, I had no way of knowing if she was bisexual herself...short of asking her, of course, but damn it, that kind of thing takes guts that I don't have yet.

One day Aaron came home after hanging out with her and said, "It came up in conversation today that you're bisexual, and Tara got really excited." (OH MY GOSH!!) I immediately asked if the three of us could hang out together soon. Not long after, a date was set.

We met her in the downtown area of where we were living at the time. She was dressed in one of the craziest outfits I'd ever seen -- a thick black shirt that looked like a straight-jacket undone, matching black pants and clunky black boots. I suppose the strangest thing about it was the fact that the temperature that day had to have been at least 75 degrees. But hey, it was her style and I was fascinated. Nay -- smitten!

Over the next year, the three of us had wonderful times together. We would spend a night at her place sometimes, and quite often, she would spend several days with us at our apartment. We grew to love each other very much. I liked calling us a "sexy, cozy family". We'd go out to dinner, explore San Francisco, watch movies, etc...everything that people in relationships do together. The mood was always very relaxed because Tara was always very relaxed -- she was a free spirit with no expectations.

She eventually went her own way and moved up to the city to try a different style of living. She is now in a happy, monogamous relationship with a very sweet man who thinks of world of her. We don't talk to Tara very often anymore, but we'll always be friends, without question.

And I look back on our time together as one of the best years of my life.

Boundaries + Compromise = Happiness

If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.

Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.

For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.

When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.

So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.

You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.

Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?

Possessiveness = Bad

As promised in my last blog about jealousy, this next writing is about possessiveness -- its definition, causes, attributes, etc.. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that "possessiveness cannot exist in a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship." Very true. But guess what? It sucks in monogamy, too. Why? Because possessiveness is never a good thing. And the more you know about it, the better chance you have at avoiding relationships with possessive people. So, if you are interested in leading a happy, drama-free love life, read on!

A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..

Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.

There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.

I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.

"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.

Is Polyamory Right For You?

What is polyamory, anyway?

Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.

What are you looking for in a relationship?

This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.

The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.

So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.

For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.

So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?

Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!

If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:

I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!

Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.

Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!

The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?

So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.

Why I Chose Polyamory

I broached the subject of an open relationship with Aaron three years ago partly because I was antsy. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, and while I loved him very much, I was also becoming scared at the idea that he might be the only person I'd ever know intimately and sexually. Wouldn't I be missing out on important life experiences? In addition, I'd always felt that connecting with people on a very intimate level was my main reason for being alive. Sure, I could have settled for making new friends and becoming very close to them, but like I said before, I was also antsy. So really, it was a combination of the two needs that led me to propose polyamory.

He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)

I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.

Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?

I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.

I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.

You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.