Saying "No" to Possessive Urges

I received a request recently to write about about how to avoid acting possessive. Here goes.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to avoid possessive people, by recognizing the signs. I also talked about the difference between feeling, and acting, possessive. The tendency to feel possessive about someone is very natural, but it should never be indulged. So...what if you're feeling possessive, and bordering on acting possessive? Maybe it wasn't an issue for the first few weeks of your relationship, but now you want him/her all to yourself and you occasionally make an effort to accomplish this. You know this isn't the way you're supposed to act, but what can you do??

First of all, just breathe for a minute, cookie. Chances are, you're probably super-stressed to begin with. So breathe. Close your eyes and take full, deep breaths, filling your belly with air...then your center...and then your chest. Notice the thoughts moving through your mind, but don't focus on any particular thought...just let them continue moving, like clouds. Exhale slowly, imagining all of your body's tension leaving you. Take the next few minutes to just breathe. ... Feel a little better? If you don't, repeat the breathing exercise a few more times.

Now that you're a bit more relaxed, let's move on.

Understand why possessive behavior is unhealthy. This is important. If you're feeling super-possessive about your significant other, it is probably fair to assume that your social life is lacking. You spend most nights either alone or with your significant other. Maybe you were always a bit of a loner, or maybe you slowly, without even meaning to, blew off your friends one by one after you began your romantic relationship. Regardless, you are now emotionally dependent on your boyfriend/girlfriend. (Oh enough of this 'him/her' stuff...let's go with the genderless name 'Stevie'). Anyway, it's not a good place for either of you to be, because you are relying on Stevie for everything, and Stevie has the responsibility of keeping you happy all the time. This will inevitably result in a massive amount of stress for both of you.

So work on your social life. It's great to have Stevie, but you should also have a nice circle of friends. It doesn't have to be a huge circle, but you should always try to make new friends. Meaning, don't stop looking after you've made a couple of friends and say, "Hey, I made my Friend Quota for this year!" It is so important to connect with as many people as possible...I can't emphasize this enough. Knowing you've got friends who'll always be there for you is the kind of reassurance we all need on a daily basis. There is a lot of love to be found in the world. If you're only looking for romantic love, then you're missing out big-time. If you're not even sure where to look for friends, check out OkCupid; it's a great site to meet people who mesh with you.

It's hard to feel good about yourself if you don't think you're needed. You've gotten to a point where you need Stevie on a desperate level. And it feels gross to you, because you still don't feel needed yourself. So when you try to keep Stevie all to yourself, is it only because you crave lots of attention? Or, is it a combination of that craving, and a hope to cut Stevie off from other friends? If you think about it, that latter bit would make your situation and Stevie's situation identical. You'd only have each other. How romantic...and profoundly sad.

By this point I have probably struck a nerve and you may be feeling kinda lousy about yourself. But don't. After all, the reason you're reading this is because you want to better yourself. So cheer up! You're leagues ahead of most people out there, and you should be proud of that. Treat yourself to an ice cream novelty. Oh...now I'm hungry. Damn. Anyway, onto the next part.

No secrets are necessary. Tell your significant other what you're going through. Don't be scared that you'll be looked at as though you're crazy. Say, "Look, here's what I'm trying to deal with right now. I know it's not right to feel this way, and I want to be better. I want our relationship to be healthy. Could you work with me on this?" If Stevie is worth all the effort you've put in so far, you'll have plenty of support. And you'll feel better because everything will be out in the open. I mean, seriously, who likes having secrets? They just serve to make you feel gross inside. Avoid grossness. Embrace communication.

Fairness is key. I've mentioned this in other articles, but when you're in a romantic relationship, it's very helpful to remember the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." We all desire personal freedom. So do you really want to take away Stevie's personal freedom whilst you retain your own? Well, you might want that. But now that you realize your double standards, can you make that kind of demand and feel okay about it? Be fair; it's the right thing to do.

I want to say thank you to Liza for suggesting this article topic. To Liza and everyone else who reads this article, thanks for reading, and I hope it can be of some help to you.

Now, for that ice cream novelty...

Possessiveness = Bad

As promised in my last blog about jealousy, this next writing is about possessiveness -- its definition, causes, attributes, etc.. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that "possessiveness cannot exist in a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship." Very true. But guess what? It sucks in monogamy, too. Why? Because possessiveness is never a good thing. And the more you know about it, the better chance you have at avoiding relationships with possessive people. So, if you are interested in leading a happy, drama-free love life, read on!

A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..

Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.

There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.

I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.

"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.