Essay Questions, part 2

Hey gang! Here's the second half of those essay questions that I finally finished.

What do you think is key in your relationship?

Gratitude. We show appreciation for each other all the time. If Aaron does something for me, I'll say, "Thank you so much!" This goes for the tiniest things, like him pouring a glass of water for me if I mention I'm thirsty. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference, I think. It has a lot to do with never getting "used" to someone and building up expectations. I will never expect Aaron to do little things for me like pour those glasses of water, but I think it is super-sweet and thoughtful when he does.

How do you maintain a polyamorous relationship?

Good communication, consideration, and love. Being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others.

What are some of the communication tools you use within the relationship?

I mentioned using "I feel" statements. I also hug a lot, if I'm not terribly upset/angry. Body language is super-important, and in my ideal communication situation, I am hugging Aaron as I say, "I feel..." Again, if I'm too upset or angry then I frequently don't like physical contact until the issue is almost settled. I'm not perfect at this communication thing, but I know how I want it to be done. Someday I hope to be so emotionally stable that there won't be any "When I'm too upset" situations.

How do you maintain the "flame" between you two?

Dating other people has helped, I think. Aaron and I see each other everyday, so there has always been that element of "getting used" to each other. It's to be expected, I guess. After I come back from a good date with someone, I see Aaron, and it's frequently as though I'm seeing him in a new light. When I date other people, I'm taking myself out of my comfort mode. I think it's great to flip one's life upside-down in that way...it's a rush. In the beginning, that rush would continue long after I came home from a date. Now that rush seems to always be with me to an extent. I see Aaron, and find myself wanting to surprise him in all sorts of way. I feel sexy and confident, and I want to be with my sexy, confident boyfriend.

What are some of the harder situations you've been into within the relationship and how did you deal with it?

There was a guy I was dating shortly after Aaron and I became polyamorous who didn't treat me well, and wording it that way is being generous. Aaron wanted me to stop dating the guy, but I felt like this other guy could be wonderful if I just tried a little harder to be what he was looking for. It was horrible, and it went on for months before I finally gained the nerve, and desire, to break it off. That was 3 years ago. It was easily the hardest thing Aaron and I have ever dealt with, and while I can't speak for Aaron, I know that I am still dealing with it to this day. All I can do to try to move on is analyze why I acted the way I did, and learn from it. And I have Aaron to provide all the emotional support I could ever want.

What are some of the good things about being in an open relationship?

I really enjoy being available in the dating world. Something about that makes me feel confident and attractive.

I also like that I'll never feel as though Aaron and I are together because of some unspoken rule. We stay together not because we feel trapped in this relationship, but because it simply feels unnatural to be apart.

In addition, living life this way has brought Aaron and I so much closer together. The necessity for total communication has taught us so much about ourselves and each other that I consider going polyamorous to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This lifestyle has pushed me -- and still challenges me -- to be the best version of myself, and I'm very proud of that.

Essay Questions, Part 1

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in ages...I've been busy with my two jobs. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all, though; a friend of Aaron's asked that we answer some questions for a college project she's doing on polyamory. Here are some of the questions, and my responses.

What were some of the steps you had to take to have a successful, open relationship?

One step we had to take was improving our communication. We'd always been good at talking to each other about how we felt, but now that we are seeing other people, it's really important that we don't hold things back. It's hard sometimes. For example, it's a little weird for me when I am upset about something going on with someone I'm dating and I need to talk to Aaron about it. But as soon as we start talking, the weirdness is gone and it's just me venting to my best friend.

Another important thing we both had to accept is that eventually our other significant others will break up with us. For example, if I am dating another man and he is not polyamorous, I have to be prepared for the day when he meets the person with whom he wants to be monogamous. After all, I can't offer monogamy; I'm committed to Aaron. But I believe that everyone deserves to have someone just for him/her at some point in life...it's a very big deal to know that you are the only person that someone wants to be with. The major thing for Aaron and I to accept is that the happy experience of that temporary relationship is completely worth the rejection that comes later. Aaron handles this far better than I do. It's still a work in progress for me, but the person I want to be is a carefree lady who lives in the moment.

How do you feel when your other dates someone else?

I feel happy for him. I know exactly how exciting it is to start a new relationship, and I want Aaron to experience that. When he does, I'm thrilled. Honestly, it can bring about a little jealousy at times, but it's usually nothing major. And when both of us are seeing other people, the jealousy is gone entirely.

What if it's someone you don't really approve of?

We deal. There have been times where a girl has hurt Aaron, and I feel a little anger towards her and wish he'd stop seeing her. But that's as far as it goes, really -- I'll tell him how I feel about it, and whatever he does after that is his decision entirely. I accept his choices -- sometimes grudgingly. But I accept them.

What are some ways that you deal with jealousy?

The way I deal with jealousy is to talk about it. I'll say to Aaron, "I'm kinda feeling a little jealous." It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think Aaron takes it as his cue to explain to me why he wants to spend his life with me. All I need is a little reassurance sometimes, and he's wonderful about providing that.

What do you do to handle tense or frustrating moments?

We talk about the issue. I'll explain why I'm upset as calmly as I can. I like to use "I feel" statements a lot because placing blame isn't really the best way to solve anything: "I feel like you don't really understand what it's like for me" or "I feel like you could be a little clearer about this." It doesn't always work out, and I'm not always calm. Sometimes I'm so upset that I have to leave the issue for a little while so that I can cool down. Later, I'm ready to approach the issue.

Aaron and I aren't the kind of people that let things fester. We absolutely hate being upset with each other and will frequently feel a little nauseous in those situations. I'll say that in 99% of disagreements, we talk about everything and fix the issue within a couple of hours.

Gift-Buying: Not a Substitute for "I'm Sorry"

There are a lot (and I mean a LOT) of people (guys AND girls) out there who opt for gift-purchasing in lieu of saying "I'm sorry" to the person they've wronged. It's fantastic for flower shops and jewelry store owners, but not so great for the person who was hurt. Why?

Well...I can tell you that when somebody has hurt me, I feel as though part of me has been stripped away. That may sound dramatic, but it's true. I feel like less of a person because the one who upset me doesn't respect me as much as I thought he/she did -- or at least it seems this way. Everyone's experienced this at some point, and it sucks.

You may be wondering: What's wrong with buying someone a present if you feel bad for hurting him/her? Answer: Nothing, as long as you give him/her a genuine apology along with that bouquet/watch/chocolate. To give someone a gift instead of apologizing is almost like saying, "Here, eat the chocolates and get over it."

The words 'I'm sorry' are hard to speak. I know it. You know it. To openly apologize to someone is the equivalent of saying, "I am not as smart as I thought I was. Sometimes I'm stupid, and this was one of those times." It puts you at the mercy of the person you upset, and that feeling of humility is one we'd rather avoid. Humility is a good thing, though, and keeps us grounded. It's important to be knocked onto our butts sometimes...through these experiences, we can learn to be more compassionate towards others.

But let's get to the other side of the situation: the person you upset is feeling far crappier than you are. And right now what they need is for you to say, "I understand why you are hurt. I didn't realize how you felt about the issue and I should have been more sensitive. It was wrong of me to act the way I did. I am so sorry, and I promise it won't happen again." You can paraphrase it however you want, but make sure that last part is in there -- I promise it won't happen again. It is very irritating and hurtful when someone says "I'm sorry" and then goes on to repeat the same mistake over and over again. Kinda makes apologies worthless, yeah? Saying you're sorry implies that you intend to never hurt him/her that way again. So, don't hurt them that way again. 'Kay?

Still feeling gross about the prospect of apologizing? You're afraid of looking stupid, right? I can understand that. But let me tell you something: the person you apologize to won't think you're stupid at all. In fact, he/she will respect you more. Sounds made-up, but I'm telling it straight. It takes a strong person to admit his/her own faults, and I guarantee that the person you apologize to will see that strength. So go on. Be strong...say "I suck!"

The Man I Couldn't Fix

It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.

I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.

Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.

Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.

He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.

I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.

My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.

I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.

About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.

When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.

What's Wrong with Casual Sex?

I heard someone say recently that casual sex should not occur in a polyamorous relationship, but is allowed in an open relationship. Now, the person who made those statements seems to view casual sex as something lacking in feeling, and therefore thinks it unsuitable in a relationship style that is all about love -- polyamory. But is it?

What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.

Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.

But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.

Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Reactions to a Life of Many Loves

Have you you ever been in a situation where you were going through something, and wanted to share it with the whole world?

One of the hardest things about becoming polyamorous for me was telling my friends and family. Truly. I was super-nervous about it. More nervous, in fact, than I was about dating other people. Silly, I know. But I am a very open person; I love sharing my day-to-day stuff with people, and I was hoping to have a bit of support. Everything feels better when you've got friends to back you up, yeah?

As it turned out, I was very surprised by the reactions I got when I told everyone. I'd had predictions about who would act what way. But for the most part? I was completely wrong.

I absolutely thought that my friends would support me. Maybe because we were all in our early 20s, I thought they'd get it. After all, wasn't our generation very open-minded about love and dating? Assumptions, assumptions. Anyway, I guess I was taking it too far with my new lifestyle choice, because the responses I got were, "I just don't think it's right," and "It won't work, it's a bad idea." It was all very upsetting, and I felt a little sick to my stomach to know that my friends thought so negatively of what Aaron and I were doing. My father was none-too-pleased about it, either: "I don't want to hear anything about this!"

But I won't get all doom-and-gloom on you; it wasn't all negative feedback.

My mother, of all people, completely supported my decision. My mother! This was the woman who would cringe and say "Gross!" when she'd see people French kissing in a movie. It was the strangest thing. She said to me, "Well, you know what you want. If it makes you happy, then I say go for it." It meant a great deal to have her behind me on this.

My coworkers were also quite supportive as well. In fact, to this day, they will still say to me, "I am so impressed that you and Aaron are doing this!"

I still occasionally deal with disapproval. My brother has probably had the most difficult time accepting my lifestyle. We're close, so I sometimes forget myself and just start blabbing about dates that Aaron has, or people I'm going to hang out with. When that happens, my brother tends to just get upset. So we drop it, and that's that. I can appreciate that polyamory is unsettling for some.

...That doesn't stop me from messing with Dad, though: "Hey, Dad, I've got a date with a really cute guy this weekend!" Hehe, I'm sick sometimes.

Forget the Labels, Folks

I've been noticing lately that there are a lot of people who choose to apply very specific definitions to different forms of relationships. And here's what I have to say to them: Don't. Forget the labels.

If there is anything we should have learned about each other these many thousands of years, it is that we are all very different. Unfortunately, we love our labels. For example, we're always making jokes about how women are impossible to understand, or how guys couldn't keep their apartments clean if their lives depended on it. Honestly? Give me a break. I know so many people who don't fit those stereotypes that it's not even funny.

That said, our relationships are just as unique as we are individually. We seem to be aware of that fact to a certain degree, because we can even find different definitions for "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits." These two relationship forms are obviously quite similar, but we've managed to give them subtly different labels.

What is a label, anyway? It's an expectation. I can tell you from personal experience that having expectations never helps. I'm talking about everything, from jobs to sex. The only thing expectations have ever brought me are a) lack of surprise at something good, or b) disappointment.


Hypothetical situation: Getting back to my previous examples of "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits," let's say a guy and a girl are acquaintances and they've got serious sexual chemistry. They have sex a few times, and the guy casually tells her that they're fuck buddies. That's fine -- whatever. But then the girl starts having some feelings for him. She's so confused, because she thinks her feelings will get in the way of their "fuck buddy" relationship and doesn't know if, or how, she should bring it up in conversation with him. Over time, she may start having major anxiety issues. I'm not pulling this stuff out of nowhere, you guys -- it does happen.

Labels, silent rules, expectations...they're all the same monster. So let's try this: instead of attaching a label to your relationship in order to define it, why not just talk to your partner and say, "Hey, here's how I feel, and what I want. How about you?"

Am I making it sound easy? Yes -- because it CAN be easy! You're the one making things difficult when you start bringing your labels and expectations into the mix. So quit mucking things up with titles, chief. And if a friend asks you to explain your relationship with someone, try describing it instead of labeling it: "We're good friends, and occasionally more." That is just an example, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. You should never let a title/label/expectation define your sexual/romantic relationships.

Now, I'm not saying you should not have standards. By all means, you should know what you want and what you don't want! But instead of expecting something from other people, expect it only from yourself.

Respect yourself, and you will always find your way.

The Triad Relationship

I realized recently that I've blogged many times about how successful my polyamorous lifestyle has been, but have never written about the positive relationships. It's time to start, right now. I'm going to tell you about my most unconventional relationship thus far -- the triad.

For the first few years of my relationship with Aaron, I was super-insecure. It was awful. Have you ever met one of those girlfriends who views every other woman as a threat? Yep...that was me. Not a good place to be. But over time, and with much affection and support from Aaron, I began to relax a bit. It was becoming clear that Aaron and I were not only best friends, but life partners as well. We became polyamorous.

I should point out that I'm bisexual, and that, in the past, I had many times thought about having a three-way relationship with Aaron and another lady. But I never thought we would find a girl we were both attracted to who not only felt the same about us, but was also laid-back and interested in what we could offer. I mean, really, what were the odds of finding that perfect match? So the triad idea floated in and out of my mind, more a fantasy than a realistic goal.

Then we met Tara.

It was a Saturday and she was at the mall, giving away balloons to advertise the store where she worked. She ran up to Aaron and handed him a balloon, telling him she loved his Penny Arcade shirt. She was beautiful. Aaron thanked her and as we were walking away together, he had a big smile on his face. "You should give her your number!" I said. He hesitated for a moment -- surprised, I think, at my enthusiasm. A couple of minutes later, he had his number written down on a scrap of paper and ran back to her. When he returned to me, he was still smiling.

She called him only a couple of days later. They got together several times and a casual relationship formed between them. Aaron would come home and tell me about their adventures, and a lot about her. I was quite curious. After all, I'd only seen her that one time at the mall, and she and I hadn't even talked. And though I was very attracted to her, I had no way of knowing if she was bisexual herself...short of asking her, of course, but damn it, that kind of thing takes guts that I don't have yet.

One day Aaron came home after hanging out with her and said, "It came up in conversation today that you're bisexual, and Tara got really excited." (OH MY GOSH!!) I immediately asked if the three of us could hang out together soon. Not long after, a date was set.

We met her in the downtown area of where we were living at the time. She was dressed in one of the craziest outfits I'd ever seen -- a thick black shirt that looked like a straight-jacket undone, matching black pants and clunky black boots. I suppose the strangest thing about it was the fact that the temperature that day had to have been at least 75 degrees. But hey, it was her style and I was fascinated. Nay -- smitten!

Over the next year, the three of us had wonderful times together. We would spend a night at her place sometimes, and quite often, she would spend several days with us at our apartment. We grew to love each other very much. I liked calling us a "sexy, cozy family". We'd go out to dinner, explore San Francisco, watch movies, etc...everything that people in relationships do together. The mood was always very relaxed because Tara was always very relaxed -- she was a free spirit with no expectations.

She eventually went her own way and moved up to the city to try a different style of living. She is now in a happy, monogamous relationship with a very sweet man who thinks of world of her. We don't talk to Tara very often anymore, but we'll always be friends, without question.

And I look back on our time together as one of the best years of my life.

Saying "No" to Possessive Urges

I received a request recently to write about about how to avoid acting possessive. Here goes.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to avoid possessive people, by recognizing the signs. I also talked about the difference between feeling, and acting, possessive. The tendency to feel possessive about someone is very natural, but it should never be indulged. So...what if you're feeling possessive, and bordering on acting possessive? Maybe it wasn't an issue for the first few weeks of your relationship, but now you want him/her all to yourself and you occasionally make an effort to accomplish this. You know this isn't the way you're supposed to act, but what can you do??

First of all, just breathe for a minute, cookie. Chances are, you're probably super-stressed to begin with. So breathe. Close your eyes and take full, deep breaths, filling your belly with air...then your center...and then your chest. Notice the thoughts moving through your mind, but don't focus on any particular thought...just let them continue moving, like clouds. Exhale slowly, imagining all of your body's tension leaving you. Take the next few minutes to just breathe. ... Feel a little better? If you don't, repeat the breathing exercise a few more times.

Now that you're a bit more relaxed, let's move on.

Understand why possessive behavior is unhealthy. This is important. If you're feeling super-possessive about your significant other, it is probably fair to assume that your social life is lacking. You spend most nights either alone or with your significant other. Maybe you were always a bit of a loner, or maybe you slowly, without even meaning to, blew off your friends one by one after you began your romantic relationship. Regardless, you are now emotionally dependent on your boyfriend/girlfriend. (Oh enough of this 'him/her' stuff...let's go with the genderless name 'Stevie'). Anyway, it's not a good place for either of you to be, because you are relying on Stevie for everything, and Stevie has the responsibility of keeping you happy all the time. This will inevitably result in a massive amount of stress for both of you.

So work on your social life. It's great to have Stevie, but you should also have a nice circle of friends. It doesn't have to be a huge circle, but you should always try to make new friends. Meaning, don't stop looking after you've made a couple of friends and say, "Hey, I made my Friend Quota for this year!" It is so important to connect with as many people as possible...I can't emphasize this enough. Knowing you've got friends who'll always be there for you is the kind of reassurance we all need on a daily basis. There is a lot of love to be found in the world. If you're only looking for romantic love, then you're missing out big-time. If you're not even sure where to look for friends, check out OkCupid; it's a great site to meet people who mesh with you.

It's hard to feel good about yourself if you don't think you're needed. You've gotten to a point where you need Stevie on a desperate level. And it feels gross to you, because you still don't feel needed yourself. So when you try to keep Stevie all to yourself, is it only because you crave lots of attention? Or, is it a combination of that craving, and a hope to cut Stevie off from other friends? If you think about it, that latter bit would make your situation and Stevie's situation identical. You'd only have each other. How romantic...and profoundly sad.

By this point I have probably struck a nerve and you may be feeling kinda lousy about yourself. But don't. After all, the reason you're reading this is because you want to better yourself. So cheer up! You're leagues ahead of most people out there, and you should be proud of that. Treat yourself to an ice cream novelty. Oh...now I'm hungry. Damn. Anyway, onto the next part.

No secrets are necessary. Tell your significant other what you're going through. Don't be scared that you'll be looked at as though you're crazy. Say, "Look, here's what I'm trying to deal with right now. I know it's not right to feel this way, and I want to be better. I want our relationship to be healthy. Could you work with me on this?" If Stevie is worth all the effort you've put in so far, you'll have plenty of support. And you'll feel better because everything will be out in the open. I mean, seriously, who likes having secrets? They just serve to make you feel gross inside. Avoid grossness. Embrace communication.

Fairness is key. I've mentioned this in other articles, but when you're in a romantic relationship, it's very helpful to remember the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." We all desire personal freedom. So do you really want to take away Stevie's personal freedom whilst you retain your own? Well, you might want that. But now that you realize your double standards, can you make that kind of demand and feel okay about it? Be fair; it's the right thing to do.

I want to say thank you to Liza for suggesting this article topic. To Liza and everyone else who reads this article, thanks for reading, and I hope it can be of some help to you.

Now, for that ice cream novelty...

Boundaries + Compromise = Happiness

If you and your partner are thinking about turning your monogamous relationship into an open relationship, there is a fair amount you should discuss first. Granted, you've already gotten over the "I want us to date other people" hurdle, and that's easily the hardest. You probably have already talked about why each of you is interested in going polyamorous, what you're both looking for, etc., which is great! And you're new at this whole open-relationship thing, so it's understandable if you don't cover every subject in the beginning; it's a learning experience, after all, and you'll figure out a lot as you go. With that said, however, something you will want to bring up early on is setting rules.

Setting rules before opening your relationship is super-important. Why? Well, if you don't, it's very possible that you could end up hurting each other on a profound level.

For example, let's say there is a couple going polyamorous and their names are Suzie and Jack, and they live together. It doesn't occur to them to make any rules for their relationship. A couple of months later, Jack brings his new lady-friend over to the apartment when Suzie is at work. He also brings that lady-friend into the bed he shares with Suzie. He assumes it wouldn't be a problem for Suzie and doesn't even plan to tell her about it. His date lasts a couple of hours and then the two say goodbye, Jack feeling like everything is right in the world. But, Suzie comes home from work and when she gets into bed with Jack that night, she smells another woman's scent in the bed. She's upset, and even feels a little betrayed. The conversation she's now got to have with Jack is a very uncomfortable one.

When opening your relationship with someone, a mistake you definitely don't want to be guilty of is assumption-making. In our Suzie and Jack example, Jack was assuming that being polyamorous meant he and Suzie would do whatever they wanted. Suzie, on the other hand, would never think to invite someone else into their bed. She had set a boundary for herself, but she never shared this with Jack because she assumed he felt the same way. Jack has some apologizing to do now, but he isn't a bad person. The two of them just need to set some rules for their relationship.

So if you're going polyamorous with your partner, here is what I suggest: Sit down together, each of you with a notepad. First, spend a while thinking about what kind of outside relationship(s) each of you is looking for -- weekend-only, semi-serious, mutual partner (meaning a triad), etc..? Once you both have a decent idea of your relationship interests, share them! Your interests may be quite similar, or they might not be. Don't be discouraged if it's the latter! Instead, go back to your notepads and now think about your partner in a relationship with someone else. What types of behavior would you be okay with, and what would bother you? Maybe you are fine with your partner seeing other people, but you want the weekends to be set aside for the two of you. After each of you has a list of dos and don'ts, have another discussion.

You're bound to come up against a few obstacles with this exercise. The bright side is that with any obstacle comes the opportunity for compromise and self-improvement. For example, maybe you and your partner can agree that instead of all weekends being set aside for the two of you, three out of four each month will be spent together. Sure, for that one weekend without your partner, you may be a little lonely. But keep in mind that you are not the only one compromising... Perhaps your partner didn't want you to spend money on motel rooms with other people, so he/she agrees to occasionally let you have the apartment overnight, given enough notice. Compromise shows consideration, maturity, and, above all, fairness.

Give the list/discussion exercise a sincere effort. It's worth it, believe me. The result will be a deep level of trust and communication between you and your partner. What could be better?

Communication in Relationships: A Necessity, Not An Option

I must sound like a broken record by now when I say this, but communication is of the utmost importance in relationships. I tend to believe that none of us are born with this understanding -- that it's a learn-from-your-mistakes kind of deal. Which...*ahem*...means that one of my relationships was ruined due to lousy communication. So this week's blog from me is about one of my screw-ups. Gotta keep myself humble, yeah? Heh, here goes.

Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.

I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.

So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.

He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.

What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.

I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.

See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.

My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P

Possessiveness = Bad

As promised in my last blog about jealousy, this next writing is about possessiveness -- its definition, causes, attributes, etc.. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that "possessiveness cannot exist in a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship." Very true. But guess what? It sucks in monogamy, too. Why? Because possessiveness is never a good thing. And the more you know about it, the better chance you have at avoiding relationships with possessive people. So, if you are interested in leading a happy, drama-free love life, read on!

A while ago, a friend of mine, Jenna, was in a long-distance relationship with a guy named Cole. They'd see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year, have sex, exchange "I love you"s and argue a bit before saying goodbye. They both had impressive sex drives, and would frequently include other people in their adventures. Cole would continue his sexual fun with others after Jenna had gone, because she had always been very clear about her lack of expectations. This was all well and good, until Cole pitched a huge fit when Jenna expressed interest in doing the same. For many months, they argued, and Jenna would always wind up crying and telling Cole that she loved him, she was sorry, wouldn't seek outside relationships, etc..

Possessiveness is, according to Dictionary.com, "Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others." Um...does this sound like a good thing to you? Possessiveness does not belong in any relationship, polyamorous, monogamous, etc.. Let me repeat what I said in my last blog: The tendency to feel possessiveness about someone is, I think, very natural, but it should never be indulged.

There is a very big difference between feeling possessive and acting possessive. The desire to have someone all to yourself isn't strange or even rare. It stems from a deep need to feel special -- to know that, of all the people in the world, your boyfriend/girlfriend wants only you. I'm sure we've all felt this way at some point. We're only human, after all. And it usually doesn't go past this point of simply feeling; we don't let it, because we feel guilty about simply having the possessive feelings in the first place. I think most of us share the opinion that personal freedom is of the utmost importance. Not everyone, though.

I have a bit of a theory as to how possessiveness comes about. I think we can agree at this point that it starts with the desire to feel special. No big deal, we handle it okay because most of us are emotionally stable to a good degree. But let's say that someone has a lousy childhood and isn't shown and taught about love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. on a regular basis - what happens? The desire to feel special will, over time, twist into something else: a feeling of entitlement. It's all downhill from here, because this person -- who we'll call Sarah -- now won't even consider the possibility that she can, socially, do anything wrong. Sarah has the the-world-owes-me mindset. From now on, any disagreement with a friend, coworker, family member, etc. will bring about thoughts of, "I can't believe he/she is doing this to me. How could they!?" And this is a bad place to be, because Sarah now thinks that everything revolves around her. Kinda selfish, huh? Yeah. Selfishness is a big theme here; Sarah wants everything her way. And if someone says "no" to her, she'll turn to manipulation to get what she wants.

"Where are you going with this, lady?" you may be saying. Okay. Imagine that Sarah is having an argument with her boyfriend. He wants to go hang out with some friends of his later tonight, but Sarah, feeling jealous, wants him all to herself. She tells him so, but he refuses; it's been over a year since the whole college gang got together, and he wants to see everyone. Unfortunately, Sarah refuses accept this. Not only does she feel zero guilt about wanting to keep him from his friends, but the wheels in her head are turning, coming up with ways to keep him home. She resorts to manipulation, making her boyfriend feel guilty for wanting to leave... And it works; he stays home with Sarah, not realizing that by giving up his personal freedom this one night, he is damning himself to an unhealthy relationship. Sarah will use manipulation as a solid means to keep him all to herself from now on because, as the saying goes, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

You are bound to meet someone like Sarah, if you haven't already. The name will be different, but the behavior will be the same. My hope is that after reading this blog, you'll be able to identify potential possessiveness in people you meet or already know. And if you can do that, then you can avoid getting into unpleasant relationships with them.

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay drama-free.

Jealousy: The Killjoy

Of all the hurdles I've had to jump since beginning my open relationship with Aaron, jealousy has been the most difficult. Yep, that's right -- I get jealous. It sucks, quite honestly, and I'd rather not feel it ever again. I'd also like to have a million dollars, but for now, let's focus on jealousy. I won't sit here and lie to you... Jealousy does rear its ugly head from time to time in relationships -- polyamorous, monogamous, and anything in between. It's sort of inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. And you can eventually rid it from your system. I swear! (c:

What is jealousy, anyway? Dictionary.com's definition is lacking, so I'll turn to Wikipedia: "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat." Yeah, that about covers it, don't you think?

I've definitely felt threatened by a couple of the girls that Aaron has dated. Does he think she's sexier than I am? Does he wish I had a body like hers? These thoughts have occurred to me before, and though Aaron frequently tries to set the record straight by saying that my fears are unnecessary, jealousy still makes a cameo from time to time. It's frustrating, for sure. But I can't do anything about it. ...Or can I?

It seems to me that often when someone's feeling jealous, they'll just accept it as a character trait and say "I am who I am." If this is you, you should smack yourself. Right now. You should always be on the look-out for opportunities to improve yourself, and this is a big one. Why exactly are you jealous? What specific behavior(s) of your boyfriend/girlfriend make(s) you feel wonky?

For me, it's when Aaron dates someone who has a really nice body. Which sounds totally lame now that I'm rereading it, but it is, indeed, the truth. "So you want him to only date girls who are unattractive?" Well...um...maybe? Part of me wants that. Of course I would never say this to him, because I want him to be happy. Also, it would be a completely unfair request. Why do I have these feelings at all? I certainly don't want them. But then, the only way to get rid of these feelings is to understand them.

I find that when I'm trying to figure something out about myself that is relatively tricky, I turn to what I call the Little Kid's Interrogation Approach. It's quite simple actually: just keep asking yourself "Why?". I'm sure you've, at some point, met an inquisitive child. They've got questions and they want answers, darn it! For example:

Child: I want to go to the zoo today.
Mom: We can't go to the zoo.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because we have errands we need to take care of.
Child: Why?
Mom: Well, we need to get groceries.
Child: Why?
Mom: Because your father, once again, didn't do it last night like I asked him to!!!

Heh, did you see that? Through LKIA, we learned that Dad isn't helping around the house and Mom is feeling the strain. Granted, that was all fictional, and when you try this approach, you'll be doing it with yourself. It should still yield results, though. The next time you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, give it a try. My self-interrogation went something like this:

I don't like it when Aaron dates hot girls.
Why?
Because I'm afraid he might want them more than he wants me.
Why?
Because their bodies are nicer than mine.
Why?
Because my body isn't perfect.

In the end, my issue has zero to do with the girls Aaron is dating, and everything to do with my own self-consciousness. And while we're on that subject, is all jealousy a result of low self-esteem? I definitely lean toward 'yes' on this one. It can get a bit murky, though. Jealousy can result from possessiveness in some cases. The tendency to feel possessiveness with someone is, I think, very natural. However, it should not be indulged. I'll talk more about this in my next blog.

Until then, give the "Why" technique a sincere effort and I think you'll learn quite a bit about yourself! And as always, remember the keys to a happy relationship: Honesty, Communication and Support.

Is Polyamory Right For You?

What is polyamory, anyway?

Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.

What are you looking for in a relationship?

This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.

The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.

So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.

For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.

So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?

Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!

If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:

I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!

Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.

Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!

The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?

So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.

Why I Chose Polyamory

I broached the subject of an open relationship with Aaron three years ago partly because I was antsy. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, and while I loved him very much, I was also becoming scared at the idea that he might be the only person I'd ever know intimately and sexually. Wouldn't I be missing out on important life experiences? In addition, I'd always felt that connecting with people on a very intimate level was my main reason for being alive. Sure, I could have settled for making new friends and becoming very close to them, but like I said before, I was also antsy. So really, it was a combination of the two needs that led me to propose polyamory.

He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)

I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.

Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?

I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.

I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.

You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.