One thing I've noticed in the past couple of months is my lack of enthusiasm for dating. I was very surprised when I first realized my true feelings about it, because I frequently talk to friends about how much fun it can be. So why the change of heart?
After a recent date, I now have the answer: the thought of dating exhausts me because the dates themselves frequently feel forced.
I have lost count of the dates I've gone on where the guy starts whipping out his tricks. "Tricks, Jade?" Yes, reader...tricks. See below:
-"Are you cold?" Granted, you may be truly concerned about my comfort, but usually? You just want an excuse to put your arms around me. I'd rather just shiver for a bit than prematurely launch into the touching stage. Go away.
-"Would you like a massage?" Maybe it's because I'm a massage therapist that this offer isn't quite so awesome as it could be. I view massage as a true body maintenance method, and it bothers me to see it reduced to a technique for getting your hands on me during a first or second date. If you're going to massage me, I want to know that it's got a lot more do with making me feel better, and lot less to do with your penis. And no, your penis will not make me feel better. Go away.
-"Let me walk you to your car. ...No, I insist." No, I insist that you don't. Why? Because I know you'll probably be expecting something from me before I get into my car, sweet and kind though it was of you to ensure my safety to this point. I will say 'goodnight' and 'thanks for the date' over and over again, but you will continue to stand there, like a Labrador eagerly waiting for its owner to throw the frisbee again. And quit giving me that come-over-here look, as though we're both in on some big secret. Yes, I know what you're after. But guess what? I know exactly what I want, too, and that is to drive home -- right now. Go away.
The common theme is that feeling of being rushed. I used to shrug my shoulders and go along with it, sadly, but in the past year, I've reevaluated how I live my life. I am now a firm believer that all things worth having in this life are worth working and waiting for. So why should physical intimacy with someone be any different? I am a lady who takes a while to warm up to people, not unlike a cat. I'll smile, chat, laugh, etc., but I respect peoples' personal space, and I like them to do the same for me. Hugging is something I prefer to reserve for people I'm close to, so my opinions on kissing should go without saying. I like things to take their natural course.
That said, try to remember what it was like when you were an adolescent hanging out with your biggest crush. Neither person made any move for the longest time...and wasn't it unbelievably exciting?? It was completely unpredictable, and completely thrilling. Now that you're older, most of you fellas have forgotten what it can be like. You only know the end result you want -- sex -- and you immediately start trying to make that happen. It does not need to be this way.
In conclusion... Guys, if you're reading this, just take it slow with your dates. Maybe try letting her make the first move. The thought is just crazy -- I know. But give it a shot. After all, it's entirely possible that the reason she hasn't tried to have sex with you yet is because she feels she barely knows you, and isn't ready. When she is ready, she'll let you know. In the meantime, relax, and go with the flow.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Man I Couldn't Fix
It's taken me a very long time to be willing to write about this. I should be over it by now, seeing as it's been about three years. But what we want is not always what we get. And really, that's the message of this article.
I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.
Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.
Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.
He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.
I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.
My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.
I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.
About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.
When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.
I met Rolando at work. I know -- it's terrible to date a coworker. He was unbelievably charming and suave. His confidence was intimidating but sexy. I remember the smiles he would give me when I looked at him; so focused, like I was the only girl in the room. For a long time, we flirted back and forth.
Then one day, Rolando asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to a park nearby. I was new to the area and, since Aaron and I were polyamorous at this point, I said yes. And so it began.
Very quickly, I found that Rolando was an extremely hormone-driven man -- it wasn't long before we began having sex. I wanted more, though; I wanted to feel close to him. But no matter what I invited him to do with me -- dinner, hiking, movies -- he would say, "I can't, mija, I have to get back to work. I'll call you." But that promised call would never come. In fact, the only time I would hear from him would be when he had 30 or 40 minutes to kill. He'd come over, we'd have sex, and then he'd leave.
He was a player...and for some reason, I was crazy about him.
I let him use me for a long time. I can't remember how long exactly; something between 6 months and a year. Stress had taken over my life and I was rarely happy. I would spend hours trying to figure him out, because I, of course, assumed that there was something I could do. And I did a lot; I worked very hard on actually changing my views on sex and relationships so that I could be more carefree, like him. I kept thinking that if I just tried a little harder to be the kind of person he'd get along with, then he would open up to me and we'd be happy together. But he never did.
My relationship with Rolando took its toll on Aaron as well, as he was the one to always see how upset I was. It was very stressful for him to spend so much time comforting me. Many times over, I would tell Aaron, "I think Rolando wants to be a good person, but he just doesn't know how." And Aaron was so amazing about it. He disagreed, but would always add, "...but I won't tell you what to do. It's your life." Even more shameful than the memory of what I let myself be put through is the thought that Aaron dealt with it, too.
I don't remember what the final straw was that led me to end my affair with Rolando, but anyway, it ended. And only a couple of days later, a few of my coworkers were telling me, "I didn't want to upset you before, but he had asked me out on several occasions while you two were together." The sting has never quite gone away; it still hurts to think that I was so replaceable. Or, rather, that he considered me to be so replaceable.
About 6 years ago, I was a studio art major in college. One day in drawing class, we were learning about perspective as it relates to vision. We were to sketch the entire ceiling above us. Many of us struggled -- myself included. I couldn't get the angles right at all, and I was completely frustrated. This was when the professor said, "Draw what you see -- not what you think you see." And right then, I understood, and began drawing the ceiling, exactly as it was from my perspective. Looking back on my time with Rolando, I can't help but see a distinct connection there... I was so focused on the man I thought he was, that I wasn't paying attention to what he was truly like. That's a dangerous place to be. I was so obsessed with searching for the positive aspects, that I tried to let all of the negative stuff roll off my shoulders -- without even realizing what a doormat I had become.
When I think back on those months with Rolando, I'm reminded of an Offspring song that came out many years ago. One of the lines went, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?" In answer to that question, yes, it does show how much you care -- but only if someone is noticing.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
What's Wrong with Casual Sex?
I heard someone say recently that casual sex should not occur in a polyamorous relationship, but is allowed in an open relationship. Now, the person who made those statements seems to view casual sex as something lacking in feeling, and therefore thinks it unsuitable in a relationship style that is all about love -- polyamory. But is it?
What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.
Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.
But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.
Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.
What is sex, really? To me, it's one of the best stress-relievers I have ever known. Conservatives out there, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sex is good for the human body, and can remind you how amazing it is to be alive.
Most of us share the same values: honesty, compassion, understanding, etc.. And let's face it -- a lot of us have had bad experiences with sex. I'm not talking about inadequate bedroom skills, but more the experience of having been manipulated and/or used. It's an awful, scarring experience, and once it's happened to us, we have a tendency to view sex through the lens of that pain. We're not as trusting, and why should we be? Something very special was taken without the proper respect and appreciation. I get it -- believe me.
But sex on its own is a beautiful thing. And it is possible for two people to come together, share the deed, and part ways with an understanding that they each had a physical need, and fulfilled it. No manipulation, no lies, and no ambiguity -- just a mutual understanding, and gratitude. I have several good friends who partake in casual sex. They are honest, confident, compassionate...and simply do not want a significant other. And, if I were to imagine a person who has a few serious or semi-serious relationships but also occasionally enjoys casual sex, would I still consider him/her to be polyamorous? You bet. Successful polyamory requires a person to be respectful toward others, and it is entirely possible for the act of sex to be treated with the same respect.
Please don't interpret this article as my telling you to go out and sleep with as many people as you can. I don't really care for casual sex myself, as I tend to get attached. My point is, it works just fine for some people -- remember that. Feel free to have your own opinions about casual sex, but don't expect everyone else to feel the same way.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Forget the Labels, Folks
I've been noticing lately that there are a lot of people who choose to apply very specific definitions to different forms of relationships. And here's what I have to say to them: Don't. Forget the labels.
If there is anything we should have learned about each other these many thousands of years, it is that we are all very different. Unfortunately, we love our labels. For example, we're always making jokes about how women are impossible to understand, or how guys couldn't keep their apartments clean if their lives depended on it. Honestly? Give me a break. I know so many people who don't fit those stereotypes that it's not even funny.
That said, our relationships are just as unique as we are individually. We seem to be aware of that fact to a certain degree, because we can even find different definitions for "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits." These two relationship forms are obviously quite similar, but we've managed to give them subtly different labels.
What is a label, anyway? It's an expectation. I can tell you from personal experience that having expectations never helps. I'm talking about everything, from jobs to sex. The only thing expectations have ever brought me are a) lack of surprise at something good, or b) disappointment.
Hypothetical situation: Getting back to my previous examples of "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits," let's say a guy and a girl are acquaintances and they've got serious sexual chemistry. They have sex a few times, and the guy casually tells her that they're fuck buddies. That's fine -- whatever. But then the girl starts having some feelings for him. She's so confused, because she thinks her feelings will get in the way of their "fuck buddy" relationship and doesn't know if, or how, she should bring it up in conversation with him. Over time, she may start having major anxiety issues. I'm not pulling this stuff out of nowhere, you guys -- it does happen.
Labels, silent rules, expectations...they're all the same monster. So let's try this: instead of attaching a label to your relationship in order to define it, why not just talk to your partner and say, "Hey, here's how I feel, and what I want. How about you?"
Am I making it sound easy? Yes -- because it CAN be easy! You're the one making things difficult when you start bringing your labels and expectations into the mix. So quit mucking things up with titles, chief. And if a friend asks you to explain your relationship with someone, try describing it instead of labeling it: "We're good friends, and occasionally more." That is just an example, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. You should never let a title/label/expectation define your sexual/romantic relationships.
Now, I'm not saying you should not have standards. By all means, you should know what you want and what you don't want! But instead of expecting something from other people, expect it only from yourself.
Respect yourself, and you will always find your way.
If there is anything we should have learned about each other these many thousands of years, it is that we are all very different. Unfortunately, we love our labels. For example, we're always making jokes about how women are impossible to understand, or how guys couldn't keep their apartments clean if their lives depended on it. Honestly? Give me a break. I know so many people who don't fit those stereotypes that it's not even funny.
That said, our relationships are just as unique as we are individually. We seem to be aware of that fact to a certain degree, because we can even find different definitions for "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits." These two relationship forms are obviously quite similar, but we've managed to give them subtly different labels.
What is a label, anyway? It's an expectation. I can tell you from personal experience that having expectations never helps. I'm talking about everything, from jobs to sex. The only thing expectations have ever brought me are a) lack of surprise at something good, or b) disappointment.
Hypothetical situation: Getting back to my previous examples of "fuck buddy" and "friend with benefits," let's say a guy and a girl are acquaintances and they've got serious sexual chemistry. They have sex a few times, and the guy casually tells her that they're fuck buddies. That's fine -- whatever. But then the girl starts having some feelings for him. She's so confused, because she thinks her feelings will get in the way of their "fuck buddy" relationship and doesn't know if, or how, she should bring it up in conversation with him. Over time, she may start having major anxiety issues. I'm not pulling this stuff out of nowhere, you guys -- it does happen.
Labels, silent rules, expectations...they're all the same monster. So let's try this: instead of attaching a label to your relationship in order to define it, why not just talk to your partner and say, "Hey, here's how I feel, and what I want. How about you?"
Am I making it sound easy? Yes -- because it CAN be easy! You're the one making things difficult when you start bringing your labels and expectations into the mix. So quit mucking things up with titles, chief. And if a friend asks you to explain your relationship with someone, try describing it instead of labeling it: "We're good friends, and occasionally more." That is just an example, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. You should never let a title/label/expectation define your sexual/romantic relationships.
Now, I'm not saying you should not have standards. By all means, you should know what you want and what you don't want! But instead of expecting something from other people, expect it only from yourself.
Respect yourself, and you will always find your way.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Communication in Relationships: A Necessity, Not An Option
I must sound like a broken record by now when I say this, but communication is of the utmost importance in relationships. I tend to believe that none of us are born with this understanding -- that it's a learn-from-your-mistakes kind of deal. Which...*ahem*...means that one of my relationships was ruined due to lousy communication. So this week's blog from me is about one of my screw-ups. Gotta keep myself humble, yeah? Heh, here goes.
Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.
I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.
So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.
He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.
What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.
I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.
See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.
My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P
Two years ago I briefly got involved with a fella who we'll call Seth. Everything about him seemed great -- he was gorgeous, smart, ambitious, funny, etc.. I remember we laughed together a lot. We were quite attracted to each other, so things between us became sexy very quickly. He was awesome...except when I wanted to have a serious conversation.
I'm a chatty lady with those I'm close to, and with those with whom I want to become close. And I thought Seth and I would become close, but we didn't. The several attempts I made to share anything personal were quickly shot down with a joke and a laugh. It hurt, because I was sleeping with him and wanted us to have genuine intimacy. I let it go, though, because everything else about him was wonderful.
So we continued our nothing-but-fun relationship, but it didn't last very long.
He canceled a date of ours and then I didn't hear from him for a week and a half, only to receive a break-up e-mail. He said he was sorry for avoiding me, but he had met someone. "I still want to hang out," he said. But after writing a couple of responses and hearing nothing, I gave up. (Granted, the first of the two responses from me was emotional/angry and the second was my apology for it. Der!) That was it -- I never heard from him again. Huh.
What was the problem? Well, it would be awfully lame of me to sit here and pile the blame on him. So...let's not. After all, I was there, too. So instead let me share with you what I should have done.
I should have told him what I was looking for. Sure, I told him all about my open relationship with Aaron, but that was the extent of communication on my part. To be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would have to come out and say "I'm looking for a semi-serious relationship." Why not? Well, I assumed he wanted the same thing. Oops.
See I figured, since he was such a nice guy and had shown me a lot of respect, that he was definitely hoping to have something deeper than casual sex. Again, I say oops. I suspect that it was an idea planted in my head from watching too many movies. You've seen the same ones, I bet - the romantic comedies where the men who just sleep around are jerks, and the nice, sweet guys always want "happily ever after." But in this less-popcorn-worthy reality, not everything is black and white. And it is perfectly okay for someone to just want sex. A perfectly kind, moral person can want a just-sex relationship, and Seth is proof of this. He just kinda sucked at communicating and, unfortunately, so did I.
My affair with Seth probably would have ended around the same time, no matter what. But if our communication had been even a fraction better than it was, I would have known what kind of relationship we had going, and I could have walked away with closure once it was over. So if you catch nothing else of this particular article, absorb this: When beginning a new romantic relationship (of *any* kind) with someone, have "the talk." I'm not necessarily saying that you should bring it up at the first hang-out session; that might be terrifying to your date, heh. But definitely start thinking about it, and by the third date, you both should probably have your hopes out in the open. In other words, do as I say, not as I do...er...did. :P
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Is Polyamory Right For You?
What is polyamory, anyway?
Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.
The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.
So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.
For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.
So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?
Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!
If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:
I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!
Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.
Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!
The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?
So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.
Well, Dictionary.com defines it as "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships." We all have slightly different definitions. I think of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. I consider it more than just sex, so keep that in mind as you read this blog. You may find that your own definition is slightly different still, and that is okay. What's important is that you find out what polyamory means to you. Think of it like a personal mission statement -- your definition of polyamory will become your goal.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
This is an excellent question to ask yourself. Do you want something short-term, long-term, casual, semi-serious, etc.? And take your time with this one, because it is imperative that you know precisely what you want out of your potential open relationships. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can you expect someone else to know? Odds are, your partners won't be mind-readers. Understanding yourself in this way can reduce the risk of future drama by..oh, let's say fifty-million percent, if we're thinking conservatively.
The possibilities for polyamorous relationships are limitless, really. There are some couples who date each other casually for years, going separate ways for a while and then coming back together. There are some couples who live a couple of hours apart and only spend weekends together, having wild sex, going on mini-getaways, etc.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and live together, but also see other people. All of these examples are unconventional, but they can also be very satisfying emotionally and sexually.
So how do you figure out what you're looking for? It can get tricky, because unfortunately, what we look for is not necessarily what we want.
For example, let's say you were to get into a relationship similar to one I described above - the weekend-getaway relationship. You both have other partners that you spend time with during the week. Everything's going fine for a while but slowly, the weekends feel empty to you because you don't feel you're getting enough attention from Weekend Partner, who we'll call Dana. You could talk to Dana about it...you probably should...but Dana seems perfectly happy with the situation. Meanwhile, you're also feeling jealous because your During-The-Week Partner (who we'll call Jordan) has a separate relationship that is far more serious than the one Jordan has with you. You want to talk to Jordan about it but you don't know what to say or if you even have the right to say anything and holy crap, you are on emotional overload!!! If only you'd known what you were getting into!! Oh wait...you could have, if you'd just figured out what you needed from the get-go. Oops.
So...let's try this again. What is it you're looking for?
Searching for this answer requires that you understand yourself, the good AND the bad. What's that? You don't want to analyze yourself? Well, you're not alone. We tend to avoid analyzing ourselves because, quite often, we don't like what we see. It's way easier to pick out the problems in other people, right? Of course. But recognizing our own flaws is the only way we can hope to achieve personal growth. The truth can be painful, but it's worth it. In fact, no matter how ugly a tidbit you learn about yourself, feel proud; you're working toward becoming a better version of yourself, and that's a great thing!
If you're stuck or don't know where to even start, try looking at your behavioral patterns. Here, I'll share one of my own experiences with you guys:
I discovered recently that I have a tendency to seek out individuals who I, deep down, feel are inferior to me. It stems from my low self-esteem, as I experienced some messy relationships in the past that left me feeling worse about myself than before I entered them. I subconsciously began getting involved only with people who I felt were so beneath me that I could never get hurt by them. Yikes. After severing ties with the third person with whom I had zilch in common with and felt virtually no attraction to, I realized I had a problem. Most importantly, I wasn't happy. What was a girl to do?!
Answer? The polar opposite of what I did before. I sought out a man who I felt was superior to me, with whom I had a similar sense of humor, and to whom I felt an attraction so intense that I could scarcely think about anything but sex in his presence.
Unfortunately, he turned out to be an arrogant git. No, the relationship didn't work out at all, but that's okay. After all, the situation as a whole helped me to realize two major things: I'm a lot more judgemental than I'd always thought, and I've also got serious self-esteem issues. The judgemental bit was quite upsetting, because I've always believed that I'm very open-minded and accepting. Arg! But it's okay, because knowing the problem is the first step to solving it. I've already noticed a marked change in how I view other people. Yay for me!
The self-esteem issue will be tougher to deal with, though. I know, deep down, that I'm not inferior to anyone. But I still feel like a doofy on a regular, day-to-day basis. There's a difference between knowing something and truly believing it. The solution I've come up with for myself is to seek out relationships that are based more deeply on friendship than on sex -- relationships full of affection, understanding, and respect. I was hoping to have this with Mr. Arrogant, but...well, you know how that turned out. Every experience is a learning experience, right?
So anyway, it may take a little while to learn a decent amount about yourself, but you'll get there if you want to. And once you're at that point, you can then say to yourself, "Self, what are my emotional and sexual needs?" In future blogs I will go more into depth about some specific desires, but in the meantime, try to keep this in mind: your expectations from a significant other need to be realistic and reasonable, and you shouldn't expect anything that you aren't willing to offer in return.
Why I Chose Polyamory
I broached the subject of an open relationship with Aaron three years ago partly because I was antsy. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, and while I loved him very much, I was also becoming scared at the idea that he might be the only person I'd ever know intimately and sexually. Wouldn't I be missing out on important life experiences? In addition, I'd always felt that connecting with people on a very intimate level was my main reason for being alive. Sure, I could have settled for making new friends and becoming very close to them, but like I said before, I was also antsy. So really, it was a combination of the two needs that led me to propose polyamory.
He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)
I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.
Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?
I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.
I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.
You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.
He wasn't very enthusiastic at first. At all. In fact, we broke up, got back together a few hours later and, after a very teary conversation about how much we loved each other, he agreed to give polyamory a try. I did feel pretty shitty, because I knew he still wanted monogamy and was just agreeing to do whatever I wanted so I'd stay. But at the same time, I was positive that once he met another girl, he'd immediately see the value in what we were doing. (This is indeed what went on to happen with Tara. But that's a different blog :o)
I didn't have much of a plan for how it would all work; it was to be a learn-as-you-go kind of thing. But that excited me as much as anything else, because my relationship with Aaron had become so comfortable and well-worn that I was thrilled about venturing into the unknown. I was a little nervous, sure, but the possibilities seemed limitless, and I had images of all sorts of happy, unconventional relationships running through my head.
Straight up, I wasn't expecting my relationship with Aaron to change. I thought we'd be happier, but I was assuming that our outside relationships would be the direct sources of joy. I was wrong. The truth is, we are closer and happier now than we ever were as a monogamous couple. Why?
I've spent a long time thinking about what it was that I'd felt was missing from my relationship with Aaron, and I've concluded that it was the spark of romance. We'd lost it. Was this a terrible thing? Well, yes, but it shouldn't have been unexpected. Let's face it: In any long-term relationship, you're bound to feel bored at some point. I know, I know -- it feels yucky to even *think* such a thing, what with our fantasies of "happily ever after" and all. But, hey, denial isn't going to fix anything, right? The simple fact is that your relationship isn't likely to feel new if it's old. You've spoken with, kissed and held your partner more times than you can count, and the feeling of newness is gone.
I noticed improvements in my relationship with Aaron very soon after I started seeing other people. It was because I had found the spark again. You may be thinking, "Uh...yeah, but you found it with someone ELSE." True! And that is an excellent observation, by the way! But you know what I figured out? The spark wasn't found in the men I was seeing; it was found because of them, but really, it was in me all along. It had simply needed to be rekindled through an exciting experience: dating. All of my newfound passion was transferred into my relationship with Aaron. I won't go into detail here, but suffice it to say, we thrill each other in many lovely ways now...*wink wink*. My relationship with Aaron still isn't "new," but it is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be.
You can have this with your life partner, too, as long as you are always honest, communicative, and supportive. Hold nothing back, and you'll be on your way to a life more satisfying than you ever imagined possible.
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